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[freswoe]

Oh, gotcha - sorry about that, I just default to tags lol.

I think maybe we’re misunderstanding each other a little bit due to your repetitions of how you don’t want to read the series. Nobody is forcing you to read TLT, and if you don’t want to read it, that’s perfectly fine! The issue fans are taking with your response is that, despite not wanting to read it, you seem happy to criticise it based on false information, which is, by the way, misinformation - that’s not an overreaction, misinformation is literally defined as ‘false or inaccurate information’. In this case, it might not have been deliberate, but the second-hand account of the scene was inarguably inaccurate.

Furthermore, when you were corrected by a fan who, yes, was a little frustrated but by no means was issuing a ‘condescending rant’ (in fact, I’d say that response itself, plus your initial tag of ‘people read this???’ was more condescending and rude than the response, but that’s another matter), you clearly refused to interact in good faith with any of what they said. They gave a very clear explanation of how the language was necessary/what it illustrated, and yet all you can say to that is that it represents ‘something about that character?’. Forgive me if I’ve misunderstood your tone, but that implies to me that you didn’t really read or engage with any of what they said.

Please don’t imply that I don’t think you’re ‘qualified’ to have an opinion. You absolutely can have an opinion on the series, obviously, and nobody needs any type of ‘qualification’ to have an opinion. However, if you haven’t actually read the series in the first place, that makes having a well-informed and rounded opinion rather difficult, and that’s true of reading any book. Also, your opinion is based on incorrect information, and when given the actual truth of what the scene is, you blatantly tossed that aside, instead seemingly preferring to stick to your initial, false argument. Despite having no idea what you’re talking about - as you yourself said you know nothing about Muir or the series - you’re acting like you’ve fully read all three books and are intimately familiar with the style.

That’s what’s frustrating other fans - not the fact that you dislike meme language, but that you’re a) criticising the meme language without any knowledge of or desire to read the series (which, by the way, also has some incredible prose outside of the references - the Nonius scene in the second book comes to mind for me), and that you appear unable to acknowledge that the initial information you based your opinion on was wrong - not that the opinion itself is wrong, just that the information wasn’t right.

To clarify: nobody is forcing you to read TLT or saying that you’re dumb if you don’t like the writing style, and I obviously think that you’re qualified to have an opinion already - however, when you base your opinion on something incorrect, and refuse to engage in good faith with somebody who knows more about the series than you correcting the information you based your opinion on, that’s where we get frustrated. The references might sound insufferable to you, yes, but that’s the point - they sound insufferable. As kindly as possible, you genuinely do not know what you’re talking about, and that makes critiquing a series/having a discussion about its flaws rather difficult.

I guess where I’m confused is simply: if you’re not going to read the book but want to criticise it, and yet refuse to interact with a person giving you the full information on the scene you’re criticising, what’s the point?

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 152

I’m not going to jinx it, I’m not going to jinx it, I’m not going to jinx it...

Okay, maybe I am. I managed to queue up the chapters I had in the barrel! Yay!! Which also means that I have a super duper exciting chapter coming up, which I can’t wait to write and can’t wait for y’all to read. I just need it to be perfect.

That said, thank you to @baelpenrose and @charlylimph-blog for your help with this particular chapter.  I love when we are all three in one of these sessions and just descending into chaos in the chat. Also, @mamayoda (who I can’t tag but I do want you to know I see your likes in my notes!) for love-bombing my notes recently.

“Is it just me or is everyone really jumpy?” Charly asked as I set my food down across from her.  It was our thrice-weekly lunch dates in one of the public mess halls, and she definitely had a point.  I had already noticed three people scowl distrustfully at the food consoles, hugging closely to the prepared food side of the room instead.

I sighed. “It has to have been Derek’s stress test.  It wasn’t supposed to impact systems we didn’t design, but…”

She snorted loudly. “Tell that to the week I spent taking cold showers again.  At least this time, the doors didn’t play any music when I walked through them.”

“Did your doors at least open consistently? I was stuck in my quarters for a whole day until we figured out that I could walk through if I had an escort.”  I laughed and shook my head before digging in to my food. “And, come to find out, we actually do manage the water systems, thanks to BioLab 2.”

Contrary to myself, Charly was entirely unperturbed at this revelation beyond sniffing her hoodie and shrugging. “My doors worked fine as far as I know, but Coffey and I tend to work the same hours, so… Maybe that was it.  Oo!” Her cheer of enthusiasm caught me off guard as she started bouncing in her seat. “OOOOO! I bet he activated the routine Xiomara had running when you and Jokul weren’t friends yet!”

“There was a routine!?” I asked, exasperated. “I behaved, thank you. It wasn’t necessary.”

“Meh. Just in case. What do you think her deal is?” She tilted her head to the side, at a table near us.

Sure enough, the woman at that table was darting glances around the room, her shoulders hunched, elbows close to her body, eyes wide.  I could practically feel her shaking from where I was. “I can’t tell if she looks suspicious or afraid,” I murmured, hoping the woman couldn’t hear me. “But the fact that I’ve met mice and chihuahuas who shook less, I’m going to go with afraid.”

As I watched the woman, weighing whether or not a stranger trying to comfort her would make it better or worse, Mona’s familiar face approached her instead.  She was speaking softly enough that I couldn’t make out words, but the woman clearly recognized her and only jumped slightly.

I was so focused on the sight of Mona comforting the woman that I nearly hit the ceiling when Parvati’s voice came from entirely too close to my right shoulder. “Rebecca.  She lost her family twice, first her parents, some cousins, and an uncle when the hack happened, and then her partner and children in the After.  It’s understandable that she’s terrified right now, after the stress test. Too many bad memories.”

My face flushed in humiliation. “Pranav and Zach sent a ship-wide alert that the stress test was happening - “

A perfectly manicured hand clapped over my mouth, one dark eyebrow arched in eloquent disbelief. “Sophia. You of all people know that mental scars do not heed logic.”

Charly’s hair flew around her face as she nodded enthusiastically. “After day three of cold showers, I flinched every time I went through a door in case that stupid song started playing again, no matter how many times I reminded myself that it was a stress test and I had decidedly not given Derek boba tea again.”

Both my hands flew up in surrender. “I stand corrected, I just feel awful to see people react like that.” Gazing around the room, I was suddenly much more aware of all the darting eyes, protective postures, seats turned so that backs were against walls.

Charly had obviously seen the same thing. “We may need to talk to Pranav about limiting the tests to one or two systems at a time.”

“I wish we could,” I admitted, stabbing a potato out of my pie slightly harder than necessary. “His department was passing the tests with flying colors when Derek was limited to one or two systems at a time.  But they failed this last test miserably, it turns out.  As soon as they would react to one thing, Derek would switch to another system, and they couldn’t be everywhere at once as well as they convinced themselves that they could.  And they can’t just be good at small scale attacks: the revolt that happened before the End brought everything down at once, from multiple access points. It was… kind of elegant, in a terrible way.  Very clean.”

Charly squinted at me and Parvati in suspicion. “Are you supposed to know that they crashed and burned in the test.”

I rocked my hand back and forth while I chewed on a mouthful of crust.  It had way too much butter in it, but at least it was actually crust this time. A week ago it had been something pretty close to paper mache. “Technically we don’t officially know that.  Officially, all we know is that Pranav has requisitioned enough additional staff to increase his team of programmers by seventy percent.”

“Asses handed to them, got it,” Charly nodded in understanding.

“We also officially know that Pranav currently owes Hannah quite the enormous favor,” Parvati confided.

“How big?” Charly ventured slowly.

“Big enough that his grandchildren may be indebted to hers,” came the laughing response.

Charly shook her head and clucked her tongue. “He should know better than to bet against Derek.  He breaks the systems for fun, and they asked him to really go for it. What did they expect?”

“Apparently to put up a better fight at least.” I forced a smile, but guilt weighed on my heart as I studied the room again, fully seeing the microexpressions of anxiety, fear, and anger.  It felt like the entire Ark was constantly swinging between hope and fear. The random drills weren’t really helping, either.

“They aren’t,” Parvati agreed, letting me know that I had been thinking out loud. “Everyone is sleep deprived, on high alert, and then all of a sudden all the computer systems went on the fritz for a week.”

I sighed and rubbed my forehead, pushing what was left of my pot pie away from me, appetite gone. “We need to talk to Grey and Antoine about getting counselling for everyone, seeing as how Xiomara and Pranav pretty much just triggered the entire ship. I mean, everyone knows counselling is available, but I think allocating training and resources to the therapy teams is going to take priority over Pranav’s request for the moment.”

Charly tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Do we have the space for some quiet rooms, like you set up for the Food Festival a few years back? That may be a good idea.”

Snapping into work-mode, Parvati flicked her datapad open, bangles clattering as she started making notes. “The quarters left by those who relocated closer to the Archives are still uninhabited, those can be used.  We may be able to convince some people to relocate so we can spread the rooms out more evenly, but even if we can’t, just having those rooms available will help.”

“Make a note to add in the proposal for Grey: possibility of having specific vendors permitted to serve food in BioLab 2.  Encourage mental health days and picnics.”

Parvati nodded in acknowledgement of my request, before adding her own spin. “As a contingency plan, find vendors who will pre-package picnics.  Between the current distrust of the consoles and the fact it will remind everyone of the annual Festival, the good emotions will help.”

“I like it,” I confirmed. “What else?”

“Paintball tag day in the corridors,” Charly announced, without preamble or warning. “Make it a holiday, everyone is off work, limit it to one end of the Ark.”

I shook my head. “Guns, not the best idea.”

“Ew, no. No pew-pew.” She wrinkled her nose. “I was thinking more paint-soaked splash bombs.”

Finger guns deployed, dual wielding. “I am so here for a paintball tag day in that case.  The flavored paint?”

“Not the scotch bonnet please,” Parvati begged. “I just know someone will get that in the face, I don’t care how much Else likes it.”

“Got it, no more pepper spraying people,” Charly agreed seriously. “OOO! I could test the new arrows out!  With something like buttered popcorn paint, obviously. Maybe kiwi on the other team.”

“Just limit the pull on the bows, okay? I don’t want anyone getting hurt.”

“Fiiiiine…”

Parvati smiled and added to her notes. “So, we probably want someone to correlate the current date to whatever the date would be on Earth… Just in case we need to get a consultant for Holi.”

“Good point. Conor is alarmingly good at that, so I can ask him.  It would be a nice cultural event if we could do that. If not, we can totally work on celebrating Holi when it comes around.”

“Final suggestion for right now, because I have to get back to work,” I sighed happily. “This is going to be the biggest ask, and the smallest at the same time…” Both nodded at me to continue. “Care packages, for everyone. And I mean everyone on the Ark.”

“Sophia,” Parvati scolded me. “That’s almost ten thousand people and sixteen animal companions.”

“Well aware,” I forged on, “We’ll talk to Sam about the bows, I can wrap them. Commission some of those really nice chocolates, or maybe some taffy from Simon. And something salty.  I know there is someone on the Ark who makes aromatherapy candles, Tyche is bananas about them.”

Shaking her head, she added it to the list. “If you insist on that, I insist on a celebration for the drop out of FTL.  Hannah and I can use some of the plans from the Food Festival, include Charly’s paint tag - “

“And Kink Night!”

“- and Kink Night, apparently… have several events going on across the Ark, since we already discussed declaring a holiday.”

“Get Bash’s permission to use the Undine again, and I won’t object,” I surrendered before standing. “On that note, I really do have to get back to work.  Come on, Vati, we have work to do apparently.”

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[sintreaties]

I'm a writer on AO3. I'm good, and I know it, but people don't click Kudo or leave any comments. It made me feel like there was no point in sharing a story no one wants to read.

I understand where this is coming from, but also, I don’t think it’s that easy. It’s true that most people tend to forget about Kudos or don’t care to leave them, idem with comments, and let’s be honest, not everyone is a chatter-box so I can forgive that a bit more. And people’s tastes are hard to predict too! Most of the time it’s just a question of luck in choosing the prompt. I’d like to say that technical skill also has its weight, but seeing how a lot of the works on the main KKG page by Kudos on Ao3 are group chat fics, we both know I’d be lying.

As I only either write for myself or for people that specifically request what I’m writing, I don’t really tend to be frustrated by it. I never wrote for the fandom, nor I ever will because I know that would be a disappointment for both myself and others.

Of course I know that even if I tell you to change your mentality it won’t be that easy. Telling you “it’s just fanfics, it’s not that serious” won’t work either. These are the pieces of advice I can give you after three years in the fandom:

1) observe what the larger portion of the fandom likes in terms of genre. In KKG’s case, it’s often smut, fluff and comedy (not necessarily in this order), with some exceptions for angsty fics like In Bloom (but In Bloom heavily relies on technical ability and on a very experienced creator who’s been writing for more than ten years , so keep that in mind when comparing yourself to others).

Do the same with characters. KiraSaya has the most works in Ao3, followed by Meariri. If you choose a rairpair (like I did) and an odd genre (like I did) to reach the top it will take you twenty chapter (like I did with Of Thorns and Petals, which took two years to gain the main KKG page on Ao3. It still means nothing to me, because I just really liked the story and the challenge, but keep it in consideration). Don’t forget to tag things properly either. It’s necessary for others’ comfort sometimes but also to make it easier for them to find your works if it suits their tastes.

2) interact with the community. Reach out to some creators you like, interact with their works, ask them to collaborate, join a server and let others know you by writing random short prompt for them (of course, be safe when you interact with people you don’t know). This is the hard route to be honest, but although nothing can assure your success, there’s a very high chance you’ll meet wonderful people that share your same passions and struggles and that will add to the fun of creating much more than the occasional boost of serotonin given by random Kudos.

3) I can’t stress this enough, but write what makes you happy. I know this sounds like a pradox after all the rest, but really! Creating is about passion and self-expression. People can see it and in some cases they can fully appreciate it! If you don’t put yourself first you’ll quickly get burn-out, and I assure you, neither you nor your possible readers will want to read a half-cooked fic in your head when you’re too bitter and tired to consider writing at all.

4) this will probably sound very harsh now. When I first became “popular” in the fandom with fics like A Hotel Room I also thought I was good. It took me very little to realize how wrong I was.

Reading the works of someone more experienced and more educated made me realize that my writing was lacking and in no little measure! Little by little I started to correct some of those mistakes and although now I certainly improved I know for a fact that I’m still no New York Times Bestseller writer. That’s completely all right. How am I supposed to improve if I just sit on my (very small, very relative) success?

Writing takes skills, no more and no less than painting. Talent and predisposition are important, but so is practice. Be humble enough to doubt your own skills and to ask others to beta-read for you, asking for corrections and learning from what they tell you (choose people you trust of course). That is how you become good in terms of execution, along with learning as much as you can from others’ works.

5) last but not least, don’t let others and the lack of immediate results demotivate you. You can’t compare yourself to others, most importantly if you don’t even know them. Not everyone is born to be the most talented writer right off the bat. Not every work can be appreciated by the multitude. Luck, practice and passion will help you with all of this, but in the end, you are you and not everyone will agree with what you have to say. It’s okay. As long as you’re satisfied with what you created, that should be already a success for you, no matter how small it is.

That’s all I can give you lol. I hope it helped — if not you, at least whoever needed to be told this sort of things. I know that fandoms and fancreations have become a big part of life for some during quarantine, but don’t stress over it too much.

Feel free to share your Ao3 name and some of your works if you don’t feel too shy, even in DMs. I can’t promise I’ll read them because I rarely have time to read fanfics these days, but maybe I can send someone your way ;)

[miss-noo-na]

And Then There Were Three (Chapter 6)

Title: And Then There Were Three

Rating: Mature.

Summary: Things have become complicated

Note: See masterlist for parts 1-5! You wanted to laugh, to tell Changkyun to stop messing around and be serious, but the look on his face told you he wasn’t joking and he was very much serious.

“Listen, this is crazy,” You attempted to get your bearings on all the information you had just received. You sat up, gathering some of the blankets to pull over your front, unable to have this conversation so exposed.

“You’re not in love with me, and neither is Jooheon. I think we’re all just in over our heads and maybe we should just relax.” You explained diligently and you saw Changkyun smirking from where he lay. Then he actually let out a chuckle.

“Does that scare you?” He asked, which made your brow furrow.

“What? Scare me?” You replied, then scoffed like it was ridiculous.

“The idea that we could both be in love with you, that’s terrifying to you, isn’t it?” Now he sat up too, both facing each other.

“Of course not, I just don’t think it’s true. These feelings never came up before, why would they now?”

“Oh come on,” He rolled his eyes and laughed. “Jooheon has definitely been making puppy eyes at you since the very beginning, we all knew he was going to get there eventually. And you and I…..well that’s more complicated.”

It was, you couldn’t deny that. It had always been more than sex, but you wouldn’t have called it love, either. Honestly, you were basing that off what you knew of love and not what you had experienced of it. The word love made you think of chaste things, soft moments and gradually developing romantic feelings. Nothing you did with Changkyun felt like that.

“I’ve never been jealous in my life.” He spoke then, “So when I had those feelings I really had to think about them.”

“And what did you conclude?”

“It's not like anything I’ve ever felt for someone before, that’s why it's so confusing. All I know is that I want to be around you. I want to be with you, and I want you to be with me.”

His words came calm and collected, deliberate in their intention, and that made them all the more striking and real. He wasn’t one for being vulnerable like this, and it gave you that feeling. The one that swirled through your stomach and made your cheeks tingle.

Jooheon had given you that feeling, too, with his gentle touches and reserved smiles. You realized what danger you were in, not wanting to give either one of them up but not seeing a way you could have it all. It was fine when it was physical, but now felt somehow unfair. How could there be enough of you? You still didn’t even believe just one of them could feel that way, much less both.

“I have a lot to think about.” You said quietly, and Changkyun nodded, solemn but understanding.

He said no one would be home for a while, and opened up an offer for you to stay longer, but you declined, and saw the trace of disappointment in his eyes. It was weird to see him act like this. Just a day ago you were questioning whether or not he saw you as more than just an object, now he was professing things like love. Things had turned around so quickly you were barely able to keep up.

You purposely kept your distance after that, needing time to sort things out. You hadn’t told Jooheon anything other than feeling like you needed time to yourself, and he respected that even if there seemed to be some concern in his response. You didn’t want to put him on the spot again, especially since this news of his supposed feelings came from a third party. Sometimes if you caught him laughing or saying something cute you wanted to reach out and touch him, but shook the feeling off.

Changkyun checked on you occasionally through texts, but stayed away from you in person except for when he had no choice. This was the most professional he had ever been and something about it felt wrong. You missed his teasing, his little pokes and prods throughout the day, things he did to keep you on your toes and “remind you who you belonged to”, as he liked to joke. Just the thought of it sent a shiver through you.

The fact that you yearned for them both in equal doses only complicated things further. Sometimes you thought it would be better to forget the whole thing, quit your job and move on, putting this little experimental excursion behind you as an interesting part of your younger days. Surely if you backed out now, it wouldn’t feel so bad?

But the longer you kept yourself separate from them, the more the want grew.

Then a text came through one afternoon, not from Changkyun but Jooheon.

“I know you need some time,” It started, then continued, “but I’d like to talk to you, if that’s okay?”

Always so sweet and careful.

You were worried, though. You didn’t know what he wanted to say, and you still hadn’t figured out what you wanted to say.

You agreed, and since he said it would be brief you chose a café that was small and quiet, hidden away from potential prying eyes.

“Sorry if I’m bothering you.” He said, looking down into a cup of black coffee.

“It’s fine,” You forced a smile. “What’s up?”

“I know you said you needed some time alone and I’m sorry I interrupted that-”

“It’s fine.” You repeated, and he nodded before he continued speaking.

“I just don’t think it’s really necessary. I know you’re probably spending time with Changkyun still and I just wanted to tell you it’s okay.”

You opened your mouth to correct him, but closed it when you saw he wasn’t done speaking.

“You can tell me you don’t want to see me anymore, it’s fine, there’s no reason to drag this out.” He forced his own smile, it was heavy and not very convincing. His eyes darted away quickly.

“Jooheon,” You sighed before you continued. “I haven’t been seeing Changkyun, either.”

His head perked up, surprise all across his face. “You haven’t?”

“No, I haven’t been around either one of you.”

“Oh, well,” He fumbled for a moment, trying to re-work his thoughts.

“In that case, if you’re trying to decide where we should go from here, I just wanted to tell you it’s alright if you don’t choose me.”

Choose me. He looked like he regretted saying it like that. It was, more or less, his own subtle way of confessing.

“To be honest, I’m a bit confused right now.” You spoke then, and he listened intently.

“I don’t really know who feels what about who,” You continued with a laugh, and you saw something tug at his mouth, too.

“From the beginning, I knew you and Changkyun had something...different.” He cleared his throat to say, and you tried to suppress a grin.

“And I thought I was just tagging along, but then you came over that day and-...well, you know.” He trailed off and you saw his cheeks flush a bit. It was funny to think of him as shy or embarrassed by it, especially after all the things he had said and done to you behind closed doors. You had to will yourself to not get distracted by the memories.

“I was hoping you might,” He stopped himself, looking ahead at you with a sober expression.

You tilted your head to the side, indicating that he could go on, but he swallowed hard and seemed to get nervous. You were getting impatient with him, you wanted to know if what Changkyun said was true.

“You were hoping I might have romantic feelings for you?” You stated as plainly as possible, and now he was fully red from neck to ears, shifting uncomfortably and letting out a timid chuckle.

“Yeah.” He almost whispered, and you felt your stomach drop. What might have otherwise been a very sweet confession instead gave you a sense of dread. Now you knew for sure they both felt this way about you, even if you were still skeptical about Changkyun.

But that wasn’t the question right now. The question was about what you felt, and you could deny it all day but you knew it was true from the start. The reason you even felt comfortable inviting him in to your tryst was because he was loving, kind, playful, and exactly the sort of person who made you feel cared for. These were things that shouldn’t matter in a sexual exploit, but were the things you most looked forward to when he was around.

“I do.” The words slipped out before you were ready, but once it was out there you couldn’t go back. It dawned on him slowly and the way his face lit up made your heart ache.

“But, I still need time. I have a lot of things to sort out.”

He nodded, serious once more. “Of course.”

You mumbled through some chit-chat before deciding to leave, standing and glancing around to make sure no one could see. You reached up and kissed him on the cheek, and watched his lips curl and his eyes crease into an adorable smile.

You left feeling relief in some areas and worse in others, and you knew you needed to talk to Changkyun again.

You gave it a couple more days before you built up the nerve to ask him, and he gave you a time he would be alone for you to swing by. You told yourself that no matter what happened, you wouldn’t let him charm you into bed again, as he was one to do.

When he invited you in that evening, there was a distance about it. He wasn’t cold, like before, but he definitely wasn’t touching you or being overly friendly, either. He offered you something to drink, which you turned down, and then you made your way over to the couch. There was silence for a long while, and you could tell he was letting you lead. Since he wasn’t one for small talk, you went straight into your first thought.

“There’s a blockage.” You started and he peered up at you with a confused furrow.

“Like, there’s this wall I have with you. I can be so vulnerable and open when we’re having sex but then its like everything shuts down afterward.”

“Oh?” He seemed genuinely intrigued by this revelation.

“I figured out that's why I had so much trouble believing you would be in love with me. Because if you are, you’ve never really shown it.”

This seemed to surprise him. “And here I thought I was being totally transparent.” He laughed, but when he looked away there was a sense of dejection.

“We agreed that there’s always been something more,” You reiterated from your last conversation, “But it feels like it’s just beyond the surface, like I can’t quite reach it.”

“So what, you want me to get all mushy like Jooheon does?” He asked, framed as a joke but you could detect the edge of sarcasm in his tone that told you it actually bothered him, maybe even made him angry.

“I didn’t say that.” You shook your head. “But you think there would be something, anything, that would show me I’m more than an object to you.”

He seemed to wince at your words and you could tell this was difficult for him, but you didn’t have any idea how to help him.

“Yesterday, when you said you wanted to be with me?” You started, leaning in so you could be closer to him. “I felt that, when you were just being honest with me.”

“I’m always honest with you,” He met your eyes, “It just takes some time.”

“Don’t I know it,” You laughed, recalling his little pity party when he found you with Jooheon.

“It doesn’t always have to be words, you know.” You reached out and picked up his arm by his wrist, and it hung limp and heavy in your grasp as he watched. “If you’re not good with those, there are other ways.”

You don’t know why you were so nervous, considering the other ways this man had touched you, but you trembled a little as you brought his hand to your face and nuzzled into his palm before placing a delicate kiss on his knuckles, and you smiled when you felt him relax, a small sigh leaving his lips.

He opened his hand and cupped your face, and you felt your stomach do a somersault when he stroked his thumb over your cheek. It was the softest he had ever caressed you and it spoke volumes.

“See?” You said quietly, looking up at him

He looked content for a moment, but you watched in real time as his face slowly fell back into his somber expression, and his hand fell away from you.

“I can’t love you like he does.” He spoke, and it felt like a sharp crack through the tenderness, stinging you in the process.

“Even if it’s the same feelings, you deserve someone who knows how to do it right.”

He didn’t know it, but these moments were when his veneer slipped off and you really saw him, and you liked what you saw.

You wanted to tell him there was no right way, and whatever way he felt to do it was just fine. But you still didn’t know where you stood, and speaking to them both had only made things harder on you. All you had done is confirm that they did care about you, and you cared about them, too.

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Mail Jeevas

Let me know if you want alphabet for Near as well. You can check tosikowrites tag for more! Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

For Matt, being affectionate is as natural as breathing. You can’t call him over-the-top, his love is immature like he just got first teenage crush, and therefore it is difficult to predict his thoughts. In the beginning, awkwardness can slip through accidental hands touch or misplaced kisses. He giggles a lot to cover insecurities and it kinda works.

At the same time he tends to hesitate when things are about to get intimate. New experiences overwhelm him. If relationship seems to develop too quickly, Matt will subtly slow them down without making a fuss.

Won’t ever let his loved one go to bed in tears. It cuts him deeply as a friend and a partner to see his favorite person suffering. Of course, Matt lacks a bachelor degree in psychology, but he knows how to use active listening skills: he actually gives them space to speak their mind, makes pauses when necessary, and asks questions to hear the answers and not to simply imitate a concern.

One of the ways to show affection is to introduce loved one to his friends. We are talking not about a casual “this is name1, this is name2” but a special bond establishing, where everybody is treated with the same respect, trust, each person plays a specific role. Matt basically builds small “family” of closest people, ride-or-die gang from photos on which you see comments like “I wish I had friends like that”.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Matt is the type of friend you never knew you needed in your life. It is easy to overlook his quiet persona so you the only way you can meet him is through mutual friends during DnD session, night out in the arcade, etc.

He speaks the language of memes and irony and ironic memes, which he will send the second he sees something you would be interested in. Sharing is caring, so Matt will introduce you to anything he finds even a little bit entertaining. Friendship with this guy involves a lot of inside jokes that are completely incomprehensible to unenlightened people around.

Chill aura follows Matt everywhere he goes and you will experience its miraculous effects as well. Problems do not exist in his plan of reality, any extreme negative emotions do not either. It may be strange at first but later you crave his presence and stability that comes with it. In short, wholesome person in a grungy shell.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

The miserable situation in which person is truly snuggble (is it even a word?) but has to be in specific mood for it. Matt turns into panda, wrapping his limbs around the partner’s body, today but keeps it modest with only his head lying on their lap next day. He has a bad habit of nestling to the loved one after smoking weed so a sickly sweet smell imprints on their clothes, hair, and whatever he touches.

Without ongoing conversation, Matt starts dozing in a few minutes. His embrace turns into a bear trap, and poor soul, who was (un)lucky enough to get caught, has low chances to escape.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

I mean, mentally he is already settled down with his console and Mello? Yes, that sound like him, there’s a good chance Matt would want to have nice comfy life with the loved one. He can’t cook for shit and is an incorrigible slob but, boi, he will try to make their home the coziest nest out here. He will try really hard to be better cook and keep house clean when domesticity hits him.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Matt is a mess. His heart drops when a thought of break-up arises in the mind. He even starts to think that ghosting isn’t that cruel and there’s nothing craven in breaking-up through message. This would deprive him from the sight of them crying at least. After much hesitation, Matt will meet with them close to their house to explain what was on his mind lately. Despite how it goes, he’s filled with unpleasant feeling of betrayal.

A week later Matt will try to get in touch just to see how they’re doing. Are they okay? Are they mad at him? Do they want to talk? What if they want to stay friends? Because Matt wants to stay friends, he planned to stay close to them after breaking-up. Even if some things do not work out, Matt still wants to support them and share all the best in their life.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Seems to look for someone like a best friend to marry and won’t plan anything before he’s fully convinced in a person’s fit. It takes, maybe, two or three years for him to start thinking about proposing, though Matt doesn’t make a big of a deal of this event. His approach is very unpretentious: no restaurant date with small red box, no witnesses with cameras and whatsoever, Matt fondly asks a question while cuddling or eating ice cream out of bucket in silly pajamas. A smile never leaves his lips after they say “yes”. He probably cries on the wedding day too.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Matt is pretty inconsistent when it comes to gentleness. His laid-back nature doesn’t negate his soft side but doesn’t add up to it either, giving his behavior a touch of indifference. His comprehension of physical aspect is better than emotional because it doesn’t have such blurry undertones and can be controlled more precisely. Therefore Matt needs a bit of time to find the correct love language for a new partner and give them clear answer which one works the best for him.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Surprisingly, not so fond of hugs? He won’t ever reject them but it seems like he tries to keep small distance at the same time. You may have experienced it, defective hug when a person does not hug you in full force but also doesn’t let go. In this case, you don’t really understand the reason since person hugged you, right, they must like you to do it but ehhh. Matt takes initiative half of the times, but remember about the quality of dollar store kush.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

He says “I love you” every so often. For Matt It’s a phase used not only in romantic way but also as an expression of appreciation for your friends and family. In the beginning Matt will also say “I love you” (like he does to Mello) to make person acknowledge how much they mean to him but later its meaning shifts to more serious one and is accompanied with long tirade about his feelings. So yeah, as fast as they become good friends which may take month or two.  

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

On a scale of jealousy Matt scores lower than average and it takes a lot of time for him to realize someone is seriously hitting on his loved one even if another person acts pretty straightforward. After realizing what’s going on Matt will act needy. He won’t stop following his loved one and holding their hand, placing small pecks on their cheeks and giving his rival dirty look.

If he witnesses his lover acting too flirty, he won’t say a word. Only after they are alone, Matt reluctantly will try to set record straight. Relationship takes two to work, and he won’t force them to stay just for the sake of staying.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

You’ll never get bored with this goofy kisser: he is sloppy, but also gentle and sweet. Well, not that sweet since you can taste the tobacco bitterness on the tip of his tongue 99% of the time. Sometimes, Matt gets so carried away that he will kiss his loved one right in the middle of the sentence. Prefers classical lips kisses and kisses on the forehead for both kissing and being kissed.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Man, Matt can connect to little ones on the spiritual level. He talks to them like they are his equal in every way possible and from the outside it looks adorable. Teenagers need space? Good, here you go! Kids want a piggyback ride? Jump on it, he got you! Baby-toddler screams the lugs out? Mail prepared ear plugs, pacifier, and a collection of toys! Even when they are causing troubles, this guy remains very understanding.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Night work puts both Matt’s laptop and himself into sleeping mode at 5-6 in the morning. If you are the early bird, you have high chance to find him at the dawn, with his heavy head resting on his hands. The best option is to wake him up gently and send him to the bed before those muscles get stone-stiff.

On rare occasions he goes to bed right after you just to have a major sleep-in. Nothing can disturb his sleep, not a blasting cannons, nor a nightmare, since his mind goes off and shuts down like a corrupted program.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Let’s not talk about work days, we already know how it goes. On his free time Matt likes to stay at home and have a quiet evening with his loved one or by himself. After pizza is ordered, he jumps on the couch and lies down for a bit. If his loved one is here as well Matt asks what they want to do. His suggestion would be build a pillow fort and wait inside, chatting about stupid things. Trite, but playing video games is second option on the list. They can play together or take turns, Matt is down for anything and will definitely let them beat him in Mario kart.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Reveals facts about himself slowly, but tends to have deep conversations about things like fears, dreams, emotional experiences, even traumas. Seeing the sincere intentions of a person, he will reciprocate the effort to get to know them better. Also, when Matt is in playful mood he will play that “well, try to guess it” or “well, that’s true… or is it?” card making conversation even easier. He may have few topics like life in orphanage he is not comfortable with so he will politely refuse to talk about them or cover them with jokes.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Tibetan monks called, asked if they can book a private lesson in tranquility for their unexperienced young apprentices. This man is the embodiment of appeasement, he is good-naturedly calm and his peaceful mood easily transfers to this around him. He perceives the anger of others and unpleasant incidents as short-term events that do not deserve much of attention. When someone is mad at him he just smiles lightly, explains himself and, oh god, actually tries to get another person’s point of view.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

While his mind is always occupied with unnecessary stuff, Matt manages to remember about half of what you told him. Most of his knowledge comes from endless online chats, jokes, and memes, common interests, and (who thought!) numbers. He is especially good at remembering anniversaries and it flatters his vanity a lot.

To maintain a never-forgetting-boyfriend reputation Matt keeps in touch with your mutual friends and acquaintances. When he needs to clarify something he’ll reach to the most suitable candidate who will answer the questions but also won’t ruin surprise with their long tongue.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

The night he broke down and cried. Just sent his ps-controller flying across the room and covered his eyes, and tears started to roll down his cheeks. Soothing words of the loved one made him shake even more vigorous because the connection between them never felt so strong. Matt didn’t have to hide anything from them. There was no need to keep on a happy face 24/7. He squeezed them in his arms like there was no tomorrow and never ever forgot this moment.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Despite the wild life that was supposed to teach Matt to adequately assess the danger of outside world, he remains as laid-back as always. He assures loved one that no matter what happens he will be all right. And they will be all right too. He believes they both can just slip away from any unpleasant situation and there is no reason to be overprotective. Yes, for someone associated with Mafia, Matt feels way too frivolous.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

The exact opposite of Mello. The more time passes, the more confident he grows in his feelings and it shows in the way he expresses it. When it comes to presents Matt chooses hand-made mess over expensive shiny but lifeless gifts. His fingers are glued together and sequins on the nose emphasize bags under the eyes but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, actually, because Matt finally wrote their name in cursive just the way he wanted to. For the anniversary there is huge box waiting for them, filled with candies, candles, discs, photos, short notes, and every little bauble he could think of. No doubt he stands right beside the person with puppy eyes, evaluating their reaction.

Dates aren’t big of a deal. He leaves date plans up to them since he doesn’t care what to do while it is with them. If they specifically ask for Matt’s ideas he will think about it for 5-10 minutes and then suggest first thing Google search gives him. Pray to God it’s not a DIY in 5 minutes because he will try it too.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Matt has a strong tendency to justify people when they obviously do not deserve it. Maybe this is not entirely conscious, but he ignores red flags until everything falls apart. He doesn’t see a pattern here and how all these people are alike so cycle repeats again and again.

Sometimes you have to worry. Sometimes circumstances oblige you to stop brushing off your problems. That’s not a case with Matt tho. To solve problems with a sober head, cool mind, yes, this is amazing, but the keyword is to s o l v e which he may completely ignore. Being laid-back dude is a talent but it shouldn’t be taken to the point of “if I close my eyes, maybe, it will go away”.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Well, let’s say his style leaves much to be desired. I can see his closet being full of the same type of clothes in approximately similar faded colors. No patterns, no game of textures, it’s just plain. Those goggles with amber-tinted lenses are one of two pairs Matt owns. The other one is similar to famous Kurt Cobain glasses and he keeps them for ironic purpose.

Matt never used any creams even when his skin resembled tree bark. Tobacco smoke can cause dryness of lips so you can expect his being chopped and covered in small cracks.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

You cannot tell it from his face but deep down he is devastated. People notice his silent thoughtfulness, lingering daydreaming. Hours spent in games grow an alarming rate as well as his expenses on cigarettes. A lot of time has to pass by before he goes back to his old self.

If they left for any reason Matt accepts it and tries to remain their friend. He knows there should be a pause in their relationship to establish new boundaries and stop perceive each other as… lovers. But he can’t stay away.

If they died both related and unrelated to Kira case, Matt seems to disengage from everything except helping Mello and videogames. His brain freezes in white noise and repetitive actions keeping him going like a programmed robot. Months later, he promises to get well because this is exactly what they would want for him.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Matt likes to smoke devil lettuce once in a while to clear his head or fog it completely. However, he doesn’t like to drink at all. His organism reacts poorly to alcohol and nausea rises to the throat before he can feel any kaif. Once Matt made a huge mistake (read – decided to get drunk with Mello): it ended up with Mello roaming around the city aimlessly for two days while Matt was almost chained to the bathroom because… well, he didn’t feel very well. In the end of the day they suffered a small loss: Mello lost his golden chain he never really liked and Matt lost the urge to drink forever.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

There is excess of negativity in this world already so if the only thing person is going to do is to complain, he will slowly push them out of his life. Cancelling plans, ignoring massages, hanging up early in the calls and, finally, he will disappear from their life like he was never there.

Boring people. It doesn’t mean person has to be into craziest stuff, you can be interested at knitting and present your hobby as the most interesting thing in the whole universe. Problem arises when person fails to show their passion.

Arrogance makes Matt yawn. It usually comes with qualities such as duplicity, hypocrisy, and he is not buying it. He is simple guy and feels uncomfortable around those who put on a brass face.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

His sleeping hours vary from 45 minutes to 14 hours per day and you never know what tomorrow will bring. It depends on many factors, but mostly on whether he has any work next day and if there are any upcoming games that he was waiting for so patiently.

Matt knows how to sleep anywhere and anyhow, even in standing position with hands crossed. His ability to fall asleep in 0.5 second is something Mello is envious of. Also, he can sleep with loud TV on the background, dogs barking, and Mello yelling at someone at the same time. It’s honestly a superpower.

The mere fact that somebody is sleeping next to him (it doesn’t have to be a loved one) gives him a feeling of serenity. If they sleep under the same blanket, he without a doubt will steal it.

[ralexsol]

On the Subject of Underverse S2

You read that correctly: this is a post about one of the greatest shows ever created, the Undertale animated series Underverse, written/animated by @jakei95​. I have a lot of theories that I’ve been pulling together ever since I watched both Underverse and Xtale (the Underverse prequel series). Maybe one or two have no basis in anything, but for some reason they popped into my head and I’ll stick by them until they’re proven incorrect. I will discuss the possibility of a Geno/Ink fight, Fresh!Ink, XI (you’ll definitely want to read their section!), and the fates of many different characters. This is quite the long post, so buckle up for a long ride.

Let’s begin!

GENO/INK FIGHT:

I’m putting this theory first because it is the least important. At some point in time, I somehow got it into my head that there is supposedly going to be a fight between Geno and Ink. I have no idea where I heard about this, and when I searched for any specific videos or posts about the subject, I found nothing. But I personally think a fight scene between Geno and Ink would be pretty cool, so I’m adding this in here.

FRESK!INK’S EXISTANCE:

This is a more relevant theory. Ever since Jakei announced that Fresh!Ink would be a part of Underverse, I have wondered how he would be incorporated. I don’t know if she means for him to be in the future “Beach Episode” or something more serious. (Of course, I know almost nothing about this supposed “Beach Episode”, which is apparently when Epic!Sans will be showing up, so I really wouldn’t know.) But there is an important thing to remember: Ink and Fresh made a deal in the first season.

Ever since I saw this Underverse - Xtra Scene 2, I have wondered what this “prize” could possibly be. What was Ink’s side of the deal? What did he promise Fresh? Hmm... maybe a new body to take over?

Ink’s body doesn’t have a SOUL- that’s basic “Undertale AU Knowledge 101″. What does this have to do in regards to Fresh? To my best knowledge, the actual parasitic creature True!Fresh feeds off the souls of other creatures to survive. In fact, his soul-feeding would kill his victims if he stayed long enough in one body, but he likes to play it safe and leave his victims alive in case he needs to use their body again. But he wouldn’t need to do this with Ink. Because of Ink’s SOULless nature, Fresh could theoretically feed off his body forever. Some might object that since Ink doesn’t have a SOUL, Fresh wouldn’t be able to feed off him. But then how does Fresh!Ink exist?

So, what was their deal? Fresh watches over the Xtale AU while Ink is gone, and after Cross and X!Chara are taken care of, Ink comes back and lets Fresh take over his body for a little while. There may be something else I’m missing, but the pieces seem to make sense.

XI’S PURPOSE:

For those of you who don’t know who XI is, I suggest you watch this video about Jakei’s Overwrite merch. This is when the character of XI was introduced to us, back on good ol’ April 1st, 2019. Haha, yes, the joke character of XI- funny April Fool’s Day video, a good laugh for everyone. Jakei has made a few comics about XI since then, but overall, XI hasn’t been involved in Xtale or Underverse so far. That has never sat right with me, and I’ve always thought there would be something more to him. I was proven absolutely correct when Xtale - The Movie came out. But before we discuss the little extra scene tagged onto the end of that video, I would like to point out some very interesting facts about XI.

On October 6th, 2019, Jakei posted a traditional speedart. Obviously, the art is gorgeous like always and every time I watch it I wonder if I will ever get to the level of skill she is at. But besides that, there is a very important aspect about this video. In the speedart, Jakei drew two pictures: one of X!Chara and X!Frisk fighting, and one of XI. In XI’s picture, they are depicted in full armor with a magical purple sword & shield.

Hmmm... I wonder who this could possible resemble?

Every time XI is shown, whether it be in comics or artwork, their bangs hang over their eyes. Their armor looks exactly like Kris’s from Deltarune. Heck, they both use a sword and a shield! What does this mean? XI is X!Kris. There is no way to deny this. This is why they are X!Chara’s and X!Frisk’s little sibling. I would also like to point out XI’s silver oval locket. I find it interesting how he has a different piece of jewelry from everyone else- all other important characters in Xtale have a matching golden heart locket. Does XI also have people he has given copies of this necklace to? Perhaps X!Susie and X!Ralsei, if they exist? But XI being X!Kris is only the beginning of this theory. Remember how I mentioned Xtale - The Movie earlier? Take a look at this picture.

This is a five-second frame pegged at the very end of the video, after an entry written in wingdings by Mister XGaster himself. The message is as follows:

Entry Number Eleven: As clear as a reflection in a mirror, I have found the most perfect projection of forbidden visions. Get ready. Your time is coming.

Okay, just whoa. Not only is the entry #11, but the person standing there is XI. Oh, and let’s take a closer look at what they’re holding in their hand.

I knew that silver locket was going to be important. There is no way that XI is not going to play a major part in either Underverse S2 or hmm... maybe a spin-off about the Xtale versions of Deltarune characters? To my knowledge, Jakei has not said anything about her plans after she finishes Underverse. She has her Metadora project, and I am aware that her husband @nyxtheshield​ is planning out his own Undertale series- someone will need to animate that, and I’m sure she would be able and willing to do the job. She has stated that there will be no seasons of Underverse after S2, and the finale will be 1.0. But that doesn’t mean she won’t make a new series. If she does, will it be about all the Deltarune characters? Will the other Xtale characters show up at certain points in it? Will XGaster play a large part in it? There is no way to know, as the idea of a new show is simply drawn from that there may not be enough time in S2 to fully expand what XI is.

In any case, XGaster states in the entry that “your time is coming”. This could either reference a new show or XI’s appearance in Underverse. I find it extremely interesting how XGaster words his message. “The most perfect projection of forbidden visions.” What does that mean exactly? XGaster has seen something in one of his many visions, obviously. The most perfect image of prohibited sights. XI is a person that stands for something that should not be allowed to exist. That makes sense- XGaster, a man, somehow got pregnant and birthed them, as shown in the Overwrite merch video. The “forbidden visions” might imply that he has seen something quite “cursed”, as us modern Internet-users would say. But then he tells this projection to get ready, because their time is coming. XGaster is telling XI to prepare themself. This just proves that XI and XGaster are tied together very closely, and that if XI does get their own series with X!Ralsei and X!Susie, XGaster will be involved.

Whew! That’s a lot of information to take in all at once. This was the big “theory” I wanted to discuss, so now we will move on to the different fates I believe may befall some of our beloved characters.

INK, FOR GOOD OR FOR WORSE?:

Ah, Ink. One of the true protagonists of Underverse. Remember: a protagonist is not necessarily a hero, just one of the leading characters. It has been seen that his story arc is the most important throughout the entire story. He is the one that inspired XGaster. He is the one that made XGaster’s plan succeed. And he very well might be the one to make it fail.

Wait, you’re asking me. I thought he was on XGaster’s side? What do you mean he will make it fail?

I didn’t want to address whether Ink was going to stick with XGaster or flip until a certain song was posted by Nyx two days ago on December 5th, “Soulless Heart”. If you haven’t listened to it yet, go ahead and click that link because the song is beautiful and absolutely necessary to continue on with this theory! The song is the Underverse 0.5 Ending Theme, and guess who it’s about? You guessed it, our good old buddy chum pal Ink. I’ve been listening to it on repeat since it came out, and it really is incredible. (Nyx, if you’re somehow reading this, I would like to personally congratulate you, because not only is the music amazing but mwah! Your voice is a joy, and I would not have any other singer do the vocals.) But the most important thing about the song is the lyrics. Here’s the first verse.

How long have I been longing

to be free and not broken

in this ocean of hollowness?

I don’t want to be forgotten.

Instantly, the lyrics hit you hard. This is about Ink, though, so you can’t expect anything less. Essentially, the song is about the emptiness that Ink feels without a SOUL. This goes along with one of his main aspects in Underverse. The only reason why he worked with XGaster to make sure XGaster’s game worked was so he could feel more emotions. As a chaotic neutral character, Ink literally only cares about himself and his personal goals. But what is interesting about this song is that he addresses the pain he has caused.

Sacrificial lambs

laid upon my path

now are broken worlds

killed by senseless wrath.

Ink knows that he has hurt people. I mean, in the present timeline when 0.5 is to be set, Ink’s actions just caused Error to literally “pull the plug” and destroy all the AUs. (Although, how many AUs were actually destroyed is impossible to determine, because there are still multiple Sanses that will be incorporated into S2 that were residing in their AUs at the time of their supposed destruction.) Ink knows that this is his fault. And now that XGaster has won, Ink will be receiving all those emotions he wanted! In the S2 teaser, which was released on the original Underverse 0.5 release date (the episode was unfortunately delayed due to issues with Nyx’s distributor, RouteNote), shows something very important.

Look at those vials in his hand. Those aren’t just colored vials. Well, they are, but their colors are especially important. Look at their specific colors: orange, yellow, and amber. Previously, Ink’s vials have been seen as very straightforward: roy g biv, that sort of thing.

You have one or maybe two variations, although in this picture there seems to be about four different aqua vials. But there certainly isn’t an amber vial. This goes to show that XGaster followed through on his promise, and Ink has a lot more variations in his color-coded emotion vials. The obvious conclusion from this is that he can feel a lot more things than he thought was possible- including guilt. With his newfound feelings, he could realize that what he did wasn’t just wrong, it was horrible. He might start to blame himself for getting all the AUs destroyed, which in turn might result in a betrayal of XGaster. With his emotions, he would become a real good person. But ultimately, without XGaster’s Overwrite abilities, Ink’s new emotions will fade and he will return to be the same old Ink as before. He will no longer understand why he sacrificed his emotions, and the cycle will start anew. Ink will never be truly happy, because being happy will always mean the suffering of others.

Or, Ink will stick with XGaster. It would be the same fate, after all; if the heroes defeat XGaster, Ink will still lose those emotions. This, though, might leave him feeling bitter and even more willing to do anything to get what he wants, which could potentially lead to him becoming a real villain. Perhaps XGaster isn’t the final boss of Underverse. Maybe the one to start everything will be the one to finish everything.

XGASTER AND UT!GASTER:

This wouldn’t be a real theory post without discussing our favorite fanfiction writer, would it? And yes, XGaster is literally a fanfiction writer. He has symptoms of OCD concerning the world-building of his universe and he just loves to add as much angst as humanly (or monsterly) possible. It just so happens that he lives in his own created universe, so his creations have the pleasurable chance at getting revenge.

Now, there are obviously two ways that Underverse can go: XGaster succeeds, or XGaster fails. This doesn’t necessarily mean that this will be the ending of S2. As I mentioned above, perhaps XGaster will be defeated at the end of 0.9 and 1.0 will be about everyone trying to stop Ink from taking the Overwrite SOUL for his own, I don’t know. In any case, I don’t really have anything to discuss about XGaster specifically, but I am pretty sure I know what his last scene will be if he happens to lose.

It is shown in the Underverse S2 Prologue - Owners that XGaster and UT!Gaster spent a lot of time together in the Void between the events of Xtale and Underverse. Not only do they hold an entire conversation together in Owners, but in Underverse 0.1 when Sans is hit in the head with a ball, he has a vision of the two of them standing together.

In XGaster’s and UT!Gaster’s conversation in Owners, UT!Gaster tells XGaster that he will fail in his quest for perfection. XGaster brushes him off because he’s an egotistical prick, yadda yadda. But this conversation is important because I believe it will parallel the ending of XGaster’s quest. In the end, UT!Gaster will approach his old Void-buddy and tell him to just give up on his pointless venture. XGaster will turn to dust after saying something like, “I will never give up”, and then we have Ink going on a rampage. That’s pretty much all I have to say on them, but I thought it would be worth adding.

DREAM AND NIGHTMARE:

Lastly, we have the brothers. As with XGaster and UT!Gaster, I don’t have much to add with them. But I do believe they will both play a major role in S2. They will be the overseers of the battle to come. Out of all the characters in the Undertale fandom, they are the most omnipotent. They are the protectors of the Tree of Feelings, which is one of three trees to give the Multiverse life. In Underverse 0.4, when X!Chara accused Nightmare of “watching us all this time as if we were part of a show”, Nightmare responded by saying:

Of course, Nightmare mostly means himself, Error, and Ink. Dream is much more active in helping people be happy, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t on the same god-tier level as his brother. Dream could sit back and watch the world tick, but he chooses not to because that goes against his morals.

In other words, Dream and Nightmare will probably affect the outcome of Underverse more than any other characters. They’re both pissed about what Error did: all those people that Dream cared about were murdered, and Nightmare can no longer generate negative feelings from innocents. They both have invested interest in this Multiverse war now, and their powers will certainly come to the forefront.

I believe that at the end of the story, the Multiverse will essentially go back to the exact way it was before Xtale was invented. XGaster will be dead, the Xtale characters will be put back in their AU, the other AUs will be restored, and at the end of it all, Dream and Nightmare will be once again pitted against one another. We may even see an alliance between them during Underverse S2 to stop XGaster, but afterwards, they will reestablish their rivalry. Unless the Omega Timeline comes into play, which it very well might, I don’t see the two brothers reconciling.

CONCLUSION:

Thank you everyone who took the agonizingly long time to read this! I hope this shed some light on certain characters (especially XI) and encourages to make some of your own theories. Stay safe and good night!

[kuroopaisen]

@kacchand (i couldn't tag your main but i wanted to make sure you saw this fdlkjfdlkj) 

hello dear! i’m sorry it took me so long to respond to this dflskjfdlkfdj i decided to answer your ask in a text post so i can link my thoughts to yours more easily! also, i know i'm going to Ramble, so i wanted to be able to keep it under a cut sdlkfjd

Hi rowan!! I've just finished the final chapter of aot and I just wanted to ask your opinion on it!

(SPOILERS THAT DEPICT MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE STORY'S MEANING AHEAD. READ ONLY IF YOU'VE FINISHED THE CHAPTER)

(FR )

(THERE'S STILL TIME TO BACK OUT)

(DO IT NOW. SPOILER ALERT)

I'd also like to ask a follow up question about it, because it seems that I've come to a different concl. from many of my friends and I'm feeling dumb abt how i feel w it.

first of all (and i say this as sincerely as possible, and if i'm coming off as condesending please let me know hh), please don't feel dumb because you've come to a different conclusion :(

we all read media at different levels (i’ve been told it’s ‘not that deep’ before fdljkfsdlkj) and identify different aspects in it, so the fact that you've had a different experience to some of your friends is absolutely not a reflection on your intelligence. and if anyone's making you feel that way, drop their @. i just want to talk :) furthermore, you’re not wrong for responding to something emotionally, especially if it really... makes you uncomfortable, you know? 

i'm from the PH & I've put off determining whether i'm comfy w the manga til the last chap,,,, but is it wrong that I can't shake the feeling that it's a justification of japanese expansionism and genocide? ik this manga has always been in the grey area, and that's what I love abt it! It often shows that no choice they make is absolutely good or bad, and does such a good job at showing you how each complex character came to that understanding (role of environment, etc...) but this last chapter felt too positive abt the rumbling? Like it was justified because paradis was able to advance and there wasn't much choice? idk.

that's totally valid! some of the best think pieces on the show i read mentioned that the concern with the narrative is less "is isayama a nazi sympathiser?" (he most likely isn't), but if he's a imperial japan apologist. and...

well, let's just say that my father is british, and when i was trying to say that colonisation was bad, using british india as an example, he said "well, we gave them railroads." it's... it's uncomfortable and gross and i think it encapsulates how countries with imperial pasts tend to talk about them; even if they don't officially endorse it, there's often a lot of talk about how "well colonialism was good for this country, actually--"

and if the manga felt like it was justifying japanese expansionism, then chances are it had elements that very much did point towards that. i've had a lot of trouble grappling with reiner, annie and bertolt, because they've existed in this grey area of 'victim of oppression' and 'war criminal'; and their existence raises the question of "do people who commit war crimes simply do what needs to be done?" and by victimising them it... it plays into the whole nuremberg defense of "i was just following orders". it's making you feel bad for the people committing said war crimes (and similarly with eren, and all the awful things he's done). but i'll get more into this point later dsfkjfd

i haven't read the last chapter yet (and don't worry about spoilers! i've been approaching aot from a very... specific perspective anyway, so i actually don't mind spoilers -- i read a bunch of analyses of the series before i'd even watched it hh), but... i think if it came off as too positive about, you know... an awful thing that happened, then it absolutely makes sense that you'd feel uncomfortable?

the modernisation narrative in general is one that always skeeves me out. it's one japanese imperialists use to justify the invasion of korea (and even those infamous tweets from the one account purported to be isayama talk about how the population of korea boomed under japanese imperial occupation, which... stop.)

it's also commonly invoked in cases of development. certain members of society (usually the poor), just 'had' to die for the good of the future. who gives a damn if they consent to that? they have to.

similarly, the 'we had no choice' narrative. that's... a concerning one that crops up time and again with history apologists, the argument that "oh if x country hadn't done y, then someone else would've!" or that acts of aggression were done as pre-emptive self-defence, which is so... ugh. i just. i just hate it.

It also feels really weird w the ymir and the whole loving fritz thing. i wish we got to see more of her thought process and what conclusion she came to that led her to destroying the power of the titans.

i... hate this so much. i get that abuse is complicated and victims often have multifaceted feelings towards their abusers, but... most people would focus on that in their story? the story would be about that? but instead, it's just... a thing in the history of the world and that's... icky.

also having the genesis of the titans come from a slave girl in love with her captor... there's many levels of ick to it and i highly doubt it was handled with the appropriate level of grace and sensitivity.

honestly, this might be one of the things that pissed me off the most because of how... contradictory her backstory was with That One Chapter (you know, instead of ymir crying because she wants to be free or because she’s been trapped she........ wants to see mikasa kiss eren’s decapitated head? i guess? what the fuck?) 

idk...I just think that context is sometimes everything. and i understand that media can portray incorrect things,,,, and that isayama likely didn't intend for it to become a global sensation, but i guess i'm just uncomfortable w the right wing nazis getting a comfort book ahaha.

i totally get that! even if attack on titan is meant to be anti-fascists, the fact of the matter is... a lot of fascists love it. and relate to it. which is... alarming. especially given just how popular aot is worldwide.

it’s hard because before the ending, attack on titan did feel like it was more grey; i remember saying that i wouldn’t know how to feel about it until the ending because the story was either saying “the military is corrupt and war is hell”, or it was saying “the military is corrupt and war is hell, but it is necessary.” 

still sorting out my thoughts, but yeah. I think i'm having a hard time understanding what they really accomplished with the rumbling and how they gave eren a sudden lelouch role and a lot of how they made it out to be a happy thing? perhaps I'm too biased to see it fully but to me it gives a "woah. eren was a hero. he saved us from destruction. those people needed to die for us to achieve this temporary peace and new start". i suppose the rumbling gave them a levelled playing ground?

OH MY GOOOOOD okay. i haven't finished code geass. but i really don't like lelouch. i mean... i think i just don't like characters that sacrifice other people for a purported 'greater good' (i could write an Essay about how much i hate erwin smith looking at him is enough to send me into an unhinged rage), but where i'm up to in the anime, i don't like the direction they're going with eren? i mean, i've never liked eren, but... that whole "martyr for the eldians" is just. ew. especially when you see several eldian characters disagree and resist him. 

why does this one guy get to make choices for everyone else? because he’s sPeCiAL? fuck off 

sorry for not being coherent. maybe i'm basing this too much on feelings ahaha. trust aot to finish it's scandalous run with a scandalous end.

no omg you're being perfectly coherent :( also, if anyone's making you feel bad or stupid for how you experience media, they’re... definitely not as smart as they think they are fdslskjfdlk. 

i'm of that mind that, while media consumption is in part an intellectual exercise, it is inherently very emotional; narrative media tries to make us feel as much as it makes us think. that’s what stories are for, you know? intellectual analysis is well and good but what’s the point of a story if it doesn’t make you feel anything?

that's to say, i don't believe there's such thing as basing your opinion too much on feelings :') especially since it's your personal experience with a piece of media; you don't owe anyone 'objectivity' (which is always a farce when it comes to this sort of thing) or 'logical analysis', because nobody's got any right to criticise you for engaging with media the 'wrong way'.

tl;dr I feel like the mood was too celebratory abt the rumbling, and didn't entail enough on the tragedy so much that it felt like a justification for genocide and expansionism. how do you feel abt it's ending and the message it leaves? is isayama responsible to give a morally correct answer to the cycle of hatred? you're not obligated to answer! and sorry for the rambling.

hhh yeah i guess that’s the thing at the end of the day... is isayama responsible for giving a “morally correct” answer? no, but the way the ending plays out is very telling. 

like armin thanking eren? mikasa’s e n t i r e character boiling down to being in love with a mass murderer no matter how poorly he’s treated her? and one could argue that kind of ending is supposed to be unsettling, supposed to hint that the cycle will just continue, but...

framing is everything. and it’s framed like a Good, Emotional Thing, Aren’t We So Grateful Eren Did All Those Awful Things 

YI think I would've been fine if we got to see more of Eren's or Yif you have a different perspective on how eren is being portrayed please do share! I just felt really yucky watching armin say "thanks for murdering all those people for us" with love,,, I suppose he was trying to make eren feel better. ach maybe I'm just overreacting. idk. im dumb ahaha . i'll send this in anyway cuz I'd love to hear your take!

HHHHHHH i just hate eren and i never got him. i felt bad for him in the beginning, but he's always been too... violent for me. there was a very short period of time in season 2 where i felt bad for him, but otherwise it’s just been... ugh. the main three have always been the weakest part of the series imo, so it’s really not surprising they’re part of the reason the ending was so. bad. 

and... well, that one infamous quote pretty much sums up my issue with armin. he's supposed to be the 'intelligent' one, but he's hopelessly devoted to a homicidal maniac with whom he has a very artificial, unbelievable bond with.

at the end of the day, the "thank you for becoming our monster" thing just makes it seem like attack on titan's core message is "war is horrible, but it is necessary." it feels like it's justifying massacre. and while fiction is fiction, and sometimes it's as simple as that, i think something as politically loaded as attack on titan needs to be looked at with a critical lens when discussing what it’s trying to say or what it means. 

do i think it makes someone a Bad Person for liking aot or being attached to it in some way? no, because that’s dumb, and what media someone likes =/= their Moral Goodness TM. ofc trends are a thing and certain pieces of media appeal to certain types of people, but it’s a false equivalency that misses the point. 

but by that same breath, nobody is wrong or stupid or has Less Valid Opinions just because what they took away from it makes them uncomfortable. 

i’m sorry this is So Long i have so many thoughts about this dskljfslkj 

but at the end of the day, 

levi sexy

[babysprouseisart]

My eyes are buening everytime i come across your blog...stop posing diagnostic for real people and take care of your obsession issues

Oh, damn what a vile person I am... ...except that I've never diagnosed anyone, it's not my prerogative, it's not my business and I'm nobody in this world to do it. 

If you saw on my feed something related to diagnoses and health - it most likely was not from my mouth, but I could have just kept someone's posts to myself, because in general I agree with the opinion, or almost everything. Sometimes I close my eyes to some phrases or expressions, do not take some little things into account. 

Also, if you use common sense and think abstractly, in general terms, you can draw certain conclusions about the state of a particular person. You don't have to be a professional. Even an inexperienced doctor or a simple person understands simple signs, cause a lot of this is taught even in school, especially first aid for any manifestations. 

And what's more, I understand perfectly well that it is wrong to draw conclusions without seeing a person nearby, without touching him/her, without being with him/her for some time. The Internet does not fully reflect reality, maybe even practically does not reflect the actual reality at all, and to believe pictures or random coincidences is wrong. But I also do not rule out the fact that there are hypotheses, assumptions, guesses, whatever they may be, and if you are afraid to assume or put forward theories, you think that this is utter nonsense and is the shame or the sin - this is on you. 

Just remember that many discoveries were based on the first assumptions, people did not touch, for example, the Moon or the Sun, did not see the location of the planets, did not see God or Allah, but still a lot of us believe, there are a thousand assumptions in religion, science, fiction and other things, and there is nothing wrong with this and with moderate speculation that does not harm people, phenomena, that are discussed, especially popular ones. Especially, when neither I nor the other people, whose posts I share, publish any materials about diagnoses, do not claim one hundred percent or share with the tags, do not leak anything personal, do not mock, nothing, just discuss the probabilities and the consequences of these probabilities.

I am an adequate person, I was never going to poke someone in the face with my guesses, I am just an independent observer, I look, read, take into account the objective and subjective side, weigh it, analyze, make mistakes, analyze again and draw my own conclusions, express my opinions, or just keep those posts that seemed to me personally correct in one way or another, purely theoretically, according to assumptions. Sometimes, I admit, I can take things on faith, frivolously, without understanding, and only then I think, consult and see what others think, discuss and form my opinion, decision, but nothing is perfect and nothing can be done perfectly, and we all have the right to make mistakes.

A little off topic, but the point is that in case if we do not take into account the mention of a particular diagnosis or whatever it was, I share what I think makes sense, even if half of it is speculation, if I think it is necessary to share something - I share. 

I am a very flexible person in this regard, today I think this way, tomorrow differently, depending on how much argument, facts I see. The more it seems to me that this is at least part of the truth the more is the the probability that I can agree, and I can not agree, if it seems to me too harsh or too vague. 

This is my blog, I publish or save what I think is acceptable in any way. And honestly, firstly, so much depends on perception, it's the Internet, how many people so many views, opinions, and secondly, not everything I can post, or do reblog is a reflection of my feelings, we all carry some kind of image on the Internet anyway, although I try to be fair and equitable. There are situations where people are clearly trying to assert something, are incredibly sure of it, but I often doubt and don't think the same as they do and would never have thought in the first place, although I take it calmly because I can imagine this situation and keep in mind a big IF, what means that in certain conditions if it turned out to be true I would accept this point of view. You can disagree with me or with the people I talk to, or from who I reblog posts. But, why come to so regularly if you are so infuriated? If you think it's your duty to poke me like a kitten in a poop and tell me I'm wrong? If you are not indifferent to the topic, agree or not, express an opinion, and not just like that. I don't understand this logic.

So, to come here, and unreasonably dust me with your poison without understanding anything, without knowing me as a person, making your own conclusions and believing that I am obsessed, is not worth it. You will still be rejected.

I don't care how poisonous your words are, I am a free person and I do what I want, how I want and where I want, except for the forbidden and violating the freedoms and rights of other people. 

I don't know, maybe when I grow up, because I'm only 17 years old, maybe I'll think very differently, speak differently or something, but I'm sure that I won't be like you, or one of a lot of people like you, like poisonous snake.

I'm sorry, but today is not your day. At least you were good at not being anonymous, thank you for that, I really appreciate it, so it will be easier for me to find you the next annoying time when I'm in a bad mood and will be going to block you. Do me a favor, go away, and don't come back here again without a good reason. Have a nice day, don't slip on your own bile on the way back!

[phantomonabudget]

I want to learn how to play the violin, but I am an adult. Do you think it is possible? What would you recomend for a beginner?

As an adult beginner violinist, I know it’s absolutely possible!  Here are some very good things to do as a beginner:

1.  Find a good teacher!  Some people think it’s possible to teach themselves to play violin, but as an accomplished pianist/clarinetist, I would not be anywhere near where I am now if I didn’t have a teacher.  The violin is a highly nuanced instrument and in my opinion, it’s impossible to teach yourself (to play well, anyway...anyone can scratch out some tunes on their own).  A knowledgeable teacher will be able to get you started off with correct technique, a plan that will help build your confidence, and can correct minor issues before they become huge problems.  Online lessons are okay if you don’t have any good teachers near you, but I highly recommend having in-person lessons at least for the first few months (COVID-19 restrictions allowing, of course).  It’s easier to demonstrate and correct technique issues in person, trust me. If you go to your local luthier (violin maker) shop, they should have a list of local teachers and you just start calling or emailing to see who is available and what sort of style you want to learn (classical violin?  Fiddle/folk music?  etc).  Most luthier websites usually have a link to local violin/fiddle teachers as well.  Definitely do get the advice of the luthier when it comes to looking for a good, qualified teacher.  They know everyone.

2.  DO NOT BUY A VIOLIN OFF AMAZON.  Do. Not.  There are a lot of “violin shaped objects” (VSOs) on Amazon and other online resources that are poor excuses for violins (poor quality materials, bad mass assembly, etc).  While the price tags are attractive, VSOs will make it more difficult for you to learn how to play.  They are more difficult to get a good sound out of, which can destroy your confidence.  As you progress, they will start holding you back pretty quickly, which only prevents you from enjoying the practicing.

3.  Do consider renting a quality instrument before you buy.  This isn’t completely necessary, but many luthiers will have a rent-to-buy option (violin, bow, case, whole outfit).  Renting a violin for a few months is a great idea because you can try it out and see if you’re going to like the whole violin thing (the practice, the lessons, the frustration, the highs and lows) before you fully commit to an instrument.  Discover it’s not for you?  That’s ok, just turn the violin back in and walk away.  You can usually rent a good quality student violin for not much money, and if you end up loving it and can apply that rental equity toward the purchase price, that’s a good deal!  Most decent student violins run from $300-800.  You certainly don’t need an $800 violin to start, but that luthier should have something affordable and a good, playable quality that you will enjoy.  They will also be able to set you up with the whole outfit (bow, case, rosin, accessories) and show you exactly what to do with each of those items.  Local luthiers are gold and definitely are worthy of your support.

4.  It’s a marathon, not a sprint.  Embrace the journey.  Many feel that it takes several years to get just to a “proficient” level as a violinist.  If you’re hoping to play concertos or some slick fiddle tunes in a matter of months, or even two years, you’re looking at the wrong hobby.  If you’re willing to invest a couple years into this and learn to enjoy the work and the journey along the way, you’ll love this.  If you’re in a hurry to get to a certain level, you’re bound to be frustrated and quit.

5.  Have realistic expectations.  Is it too late to learn violin as an adult?  Heck no!!  Is it too late to become a world-renown concert soloist?  Probably.  I’ve seen some fellow adult beginners achieve some very impressive levels in only a few years, but if you’re expecting to make this a profession at this point, you’re too late.  However, there’s plenty of time to learn and get to a point where you enjoy playing the instrument, maybe join an amateur orchestra or group and enjoy some jam sessions.  Know why you’re doing this, and maintain realistic expectations on your violin journey.

6.  You will sound bad at first.  It’s okay.  Trust me, everyone sounds TERRIBLE at first and it’s fine!  Go slow, don’t put too much pressure on yourself, and celebrate those little wins!

7.  Maintain a regular practice schedule.  There’s a certain comfort that comes from a routine.  Most people say that practicing an hour (or more) a day whenever possible is best (have a rest day each week).  But even if an hour isn’t possible, even 20 minutes a day is better than nothing.  Make practice happen whenever you can, and you’ll see results!

8.  Find what works for you.  With the help of a teacher and/or luthier, you should be able to find an arrangement/setup for your violin that fits you best.  If you have a longer neck, you will probably need a shoulder rest and/or a higher chinrest to prevent an uncomfortable position for you when holding the violin.  For others, shoulder rests make things worse, and some people prefer certain shaped chinrests over others.  This takes time to figure out and your preferences may change as you go.  If you feel tension in your neck/shoulder/arm, it might be a technique problem or you may need to change something in your set up (or both).  Experienced help will assist you in determining what will ultimately work best so that you are comfortable and happy when playing.

9.  Stay positive!  This is a very challenging but super rewarding endeavor!  As I said above, celebrate little wins, little improvements.  Nailed a smooth bow change?  Finally kept the bow straight?  Played your first scale in tune?  Awesome!!  Make those little wins mean a lot because you will have frustrating practices and lessons, and it’s good to have some victories to celebrate.  :)

10.  HAVE FUN!  I’m having a blast, this has been a dream of mine for a long time and I’m finally pursuing it.  I hope if you decide to try it that you enjoy the ride!

Feel free to message me back if you have additional questions.  If you tell me more about your musical experience I can offer more tailored advice too.  Good luck and let me know if you decide to give it a shot!  :)

[mbti-notes]

INFJ. I think I'm enneagram 9 (I know this blog isn't about enneagram, but a relevant point is they're titled "peacemakers"). I often have the ability to see things from all sides. While this can be good, I feel like I often end up repressing my feelings about things because of it. Sometimes I'll disagree or be made uncomfortable by someone and in the moment, I will be nice and agreeable, and later realize I was actually upset by what they said or did. ( 1 / 2 )

[con’t: It sneaks up on me because I’m more focused on dousing the fire than how I feel. My BIGGEST question: how do I become more in tune with what I’m feeling in the midst of conflict instead of way later? I feel like I’m dishonoring myself and “my truth” with this habit. And how do I approach expressing how I really feel after the fact? (And discerning when its really worth pivoting back to an earlier argument.) There was a point where I was starting to assert myself, but I got angry at the wrong people for the wrong reasons. In the beginning my anger was understandable, but I was very stubborn about not letting go of that anger instead of being sympathetic and working to resolve the conflict. It caused a lot of damage. I wouldn’t want to repeat that failed effort of asserting myself. How do I know when to show feelings of anger? Thanks so much!]

Read the articles about emotional well-being and communicating through conflict, as well as related tags, because this topic has come up several times from infjs before. If you need more than that, there are book recommendations on the resources page about these topics. You describe poor judgment, which means that your Fe-Ti functions require better development. It seems you overindulge Fe and have difficulty drawing appropriate emotional boundaries, too easily getting tied up with what people do or think. When your emotions get the better of you, you misuse Ti and Se, hurt morphs into anger, and you indulge the impulse to attack, only to deeply regret it. Aside from this, infj problems almost always trace back to dysfunctional Ni and one’s problematic beliefs/assumptions about the world. Let’s delve into your belief system and the assumptions you make…

Labeling oneself a “peacemaker” is rather useless when you have no insight into why you manifest this behavior. It’s obvious that this label is part of your persona and thus an unconscious source of pride. However, every source of pride is also a potential catalyst for your downfall. In FJs, playing “peacemaker” is inextricably tied to a deep-seated fear of conflict, which in turn is often accompanied by a deep-seated fear of hurt and rejection, which in turn is often rooted in low self-worth and the belief that one’s own needs and desires are illegitimate or “selfish”. “Peacemaker” doesn’t sound so hot when you put it like that, does it? It seems you don’t yet possess a deep enough understanding of your beliefs about yourself.

Serious question for you to reflect on: What’s wrong with conflict? You seem to treat it as the end of the world. Expanding on the first point, a false self-image means that you cannot accept the reality of who you are. You bristle when the mirror of your social interactions reflects back to you your true face, as your unconscious fears get triggered and your dark side quickly emerges. In other words, perhaps you fear conflict because it reflects back to you the truth that you’re not as agreeable, understanding, accepting, acceptable, etc, as you want to believe you are, and/or the fact that the world doesn’t actually live up to your desires and expectations. Instead of confronting your fears within and getting to the bottom of your problem, you seek to “manage” it out there in the world. You want to manipulate the social environment to suit your comfort level, but you can’t fully admit that this is what you want because then you sound like a “selfish b*tch”, so you have to couch everything in nice sounding words like “peacemaking” or “asserting”, etc. You’re basically asking me to provide you with permission to put yourself first, but it’s just part and parcel of the same old pattern: put others first, resent, put myself first, shame, rinse, repeat. As you hinted at, it’s pointless to ask me when it’s okay to get into an old pattern again.

You ask “how do I know when to show feelings of anger?” Wrong question. Ask “how is it that I got to be so angry?” Anger is at level 10 and you wait until 11 before you even consider the possibility of doing something, then you seem taken aback that you’re basically ready to attack someone like a frothing animal. Anger is merely a cowardly extension of sadness, and sadness often comes from feeling hurt. You are afraid of feeling hurt (because it reveals your darkness), you are afraid of appearing hurt and vulnerable (because that would disrupt social harmony and your self-image of how you promote social harmony), so how can you acknowledge your hurt let alone express it? You want to express your feelings when you can’t even accept that they exist. You suppress them until they morph into something ugly.

You’re not owning your emotions but rather misattributing them to an outside source, believing that “they made me angry”, so you wait passively for that external trigger to go away or you surmise that the resolution (or closure) lies in confronting THEM and maybe “correcting” THEM so that they agree with you. You’re turning anyone who disagrees with you into an enemy or traitor rather than taking a genuine interest in their viewpoint. If someone says something disagreeable to you, why is it not a viable option to simply say at that moment “I disagree” or ask “why do you believe that”? What do you think would happen? Do you believe that a civil discussion isn’t possible as soon as there is disagreement? And why is it not a viable option to simply allow someone to have their opinion, assuming that their personal opinion has no tangible impact upon you?

It seems you haven’t reflected on your beliefs about what makes for good communication. Many immature FJs actually treat communication as opportunities to fish for affirmation, but communication is about forging connection, which can’t happen when people can’t express themselves authentically. And how can you express yourself authentically when you can’t accept your own feelings and emotions? Perhaps you naively believe that communication must ALWAYS be positive, “peacemaking”, “agreeable”, a kumbaya circle, etc. Then you’re living in fantasy and you hope for something fake. There are always going to be disagreements because every individual has their own unique experiences that result in a unique viewpoint. You get stuck on disagreements because you fail to understand that confronting the negative is necessary for reaching the positive; it is through carefully exploring differences that people come closer together and develop appreciation for each other. Why do you think people naturally become LESS racist, sexist, homophobic, etc, the more they interact with the people they deride? Disagreements can be a good thing when you know how to utilize them to foster deeper understanding. Fear of conflict means that this option is completely closed off to you, since communication immediately shuts down the moment you get triggered.

Overindulging Fe means being oversensitive to social feedback. This happens because there is no clear understanding of the difference between “your business” and “none of your business”. You say you “have the ability to see things from all sides”. Do you really? It sounds like a myth that you like to perpetuate about yourself (false self-image). If you have this ability, then why do you begrudge differences of opinion? Do people not have a right to their own individual thoughts and the freedom to feel their own feelings? If you have this ability, then why do you downplay or devalue your own side? Are you not a person and do you not deserve to have your own thoughts and feelings? Believing something is true doesn’t make it true. You claim a fair-mindedness that is betrayed by your unfair approach to disagreement. You’re not that good at seeing things from all sides, but if you insist on believing you are (false self-image), then how are you going to improve this ability? Isn’t the truth closer to this: “I only have the ability to see the sides that closely resemble mine”?

Healthy Fe is fair-minded, respectful, and compassionate. But do you want to be these things because it would absolutely destroy you to learn that you are NOT these things (egotistical intention), in which case, every social interaction becomes a looming threat as every conflict reflects back to you your unexamined darkness? Or do you truly understand the value of Fe and aim to express it properly (authentic intention)? If you are truly fair-minded, it wouldn’t trigger you to hear differences of opinion and you wouldn’t take other people’s business so personally. If you are truly respectful of everyone’s humanity, you would not disrespect yourself or become excessively critical of people just because you feel hurt or afraid. If you are truly compassionate, you would know how to extend compassion to yourself and resolve negative social situations through patient empathetic dialogue. Work on Fe.

[madrut16]

BB Rewrite: Chp. 13 - The Dungeon (Part 2)

Author’s Note: I thought I would have this out sooner but I’ve had a lot of assignments due for the end of the semester so it got pushed back. But, I finally I had some free time to finish it! I’ll try to get the rest of the chapters done as soon as I can but, I’m gonna be in Vegas for a few days after I leave college so it might be delayed.

Also, yes I did change my name and give my blog a makeover. I figured I would fully commit to my Bloodbound obsession xD. 

Disclaimer: All of the characters and dialogue not originally mine belong to Pixelberry studios. Also, this is really long (13000+ words) so take breaks if necessary!

Summary: The plan to rescue Adrian and protect the serum unfolds, and suspicions are confirmed. 

Tags: @endlesshero1122, @kinda-iconic, @liittleemiixeer, @krishnu213, @simsvetements, @regina-and-happiness

Isabel's skin tingled with fear and excitement as she approached Raines corps. She had come up with elaborate plans before while she was still at her internship yet, none with these high of stakes. This was the one she wanted to work the most. It had to. She didn’t know if her heart could recover if it didn’t.

"Remember the plan," Lily told her in the earpiece Janet had given them all from security. Her friend was staying behind at Kamilah's office to monitor and do all of the behind the scenes computer work.

"Yep, in and out as fast as possible.”

As she reached the front entrance, she was stopped by a burly man dressed in all black who upon seeing her, scowled. 

"Vega told me to watch out for you. You're not getting your boy toy back sweetheart."

“I know.” 

The man rolled his eyes. “Then what do you want?” he demanded. 

Isabel swallowed the simmering anger she felt and frowned, feigning a defeated expression. "I mean no harm, I swear. I just want to get my things from the office real quick," she pleaded. While she saw some resistance waning, he still wasn't completely hers yet.

"Uh huh. Yeah right"

Others would be worried, but not her. 

She pursed her lips in annoyance. "Look, I get it, I got in over my head okay! I just want to leave this all behind me and forget that everything happened," she cried, using the real emotion she felt earlier to produce crocodile tears. "Is that really too much to ask?”

She looked at him innocently for a full minute, even making her lip quiver for effect. 

From the hidden earpiece, she heard Jax comment from his position patrolling the streets, "Damn, even I'm convinced."

She ignored his remark and maintained her forlorn stare at the guard until she saw his expression change and she knew that she had broken him.

"Fine, thirty minutes only, no more. You humans really are that weak,” he scoffed. “Once you get past the lobby there's no one stationed, so you shouldn't have a problem."

Isabel exhaled. "Thank you, so much." 

She continued to keep up her sad, exhausted appearance as she entered the building and the entire walk to the elevators until there was no one in sight. Finally, she sighed, a brief smile creeping up.

"We're in the clear."

The elevator doors opened and she sprinted inside, quickly using her key card to produce the hidden buttons. As it moved up each floor one by one, she paced around the small space. Patience was one thing she did not have.

"Isabel, slow down," Kamilah told her. She was surveying the other side of the building. She also had Janet go ahead to the club and monitor from the outside in case any surprise developments occurred.

"How--?"

"I can hear your footsteps. Relax, everything is going perfectly so far. The more you panic, the more mistakes will be made."

The human sighed. "I know. But I don't have a lot of time before they realize I deceived them. I can't go over that thirty minutes by much."

"Hopefully you can be quick then."

The elevator finally reached the Executive level and she sprinted out of it as the doors opened. Her arms stung from being scraped against the metal as she slipped between into the lobby but she ignored it. It would definitely leave a mark though. 

She reached her desk in seconds and found the tote bag she'd left with her spare clothes. Next, she filled it with the things they would need that she had access to: water bottles, a lighter, and weapons including makeshift wooden stakes, a small collapsible knife, and the pepper spray she kept for emergencies.

Looking around, she noticed the security cameras and realized that someone working for Vega had probably hacked into them to watch inside. Luckily, Isabel knew how to disable them since Adrian gave her access to the security software. She hastily logged into the computer and loaded the program.

Smiling, she stared into one of the cameras. "Goodbye," she sneered. "Can't wait for you to realize you aren’t the only ones who can play chess," she muttered before shutting the whole system off. She watched as the red lights on the cameras abruptly disappeared and the lenses were covered. Now, the whole building would be cut off from prying eyes. 

"Nice work," Lily told her. Manipulating technology was usually her thing. "Glad what I've taught you hasn't gone to waste."

For good measure, Isabel used her knife to cut the wires connecting the security system to the computers so that they couldn't be turned back on. Then, she turned her attention to getting into Adrian's office, where the real work could be done. After making sure no one was in there, she picked the lock with some tools and slipped inside, bolting the door behind her.

"Okay, I'm in," she said into the ear piece’s microphone. "How are we doing on time?"

"Fifteen minutes," Lily said.

Isabel smirked. "That’s more than enough." 

She began to open the different drawers and cabinets and quickly found the blueprints all rolled up. She grabbed the correct ones and stuffed them in her bag. She also discovered two black walkie-talkies, probably at least twenty years old. However, when she turned one on, the crackle told her that they still were good as new. Although not part of the plan, she took them anyway. They would be useful for getting out of the city.

All that was left was destroying the vials of serum and getting the car. Using the phone on Adrian's desk, she called the head scientist in the lab.

"Hello?"

"Tony, it's Isabel."

He let out a surprised gasp. “Isabel? What are you doing here?

"Adrian isn't going to die today, we have a plan to rescue him. But, once Vega finds out, he’s going to come for the serum, maybe even use Adrian to get it. I need you to make sure the supply is gone down there in the lab, all of it," she told him curtly. “I’ll deal with the batch in here.”

"Oh...um, okay. You mean to destroy it right?" he asked, quickly getting on board.

"Yes, get rid of it, in any way you can. We can always make more after this is over,” she said before explaining her suspicions about Nicole. 

The scientist let out a sigh. “I hate to say it but I think you’re right. She’s been acting strange even before you were hired.”

“How fast do you think you can get rid of it?" she asked.

She heard him doing the math. "Only ten minutes, fifteen at most. Adrian already had a plan in place just in case to destroy production. I'll tell the others to get to work immediately."

"Good, thank you!" 

“Actually, I have something to help with your plan to catch her. And make sure they don’t get the serum.”

“What?”

“I’ll show you when I get there. I’m heading up as soon as I give the command to the lab,” he told her before abruptly hanging up.

Confused, she shrugged before opening the secret wall where Adrian kept a batch of vials in a safe, remembering the complex pattern he taught her. She unlocked it revealing the samples which she promptly dumped on the ground and broke with her foot, the red liquid oozing out onto the fancy carpet. Isabel cleaned up the glass and threw it in the trash and moved the rug to cover up the stains. 

Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door and seeing Tony through a space in the hinge, she quickly opened it. Before she could speak, she was handed what looked like a batch of the serum. She raised an eyebrow. 

“What is this exactly?”

"A decoy. These puppies have red food coloring to make it look like the real thing. I figured you could use these."

"Wha--? How?" she stammered. They looked completely identical. 

"It was my idea months ago. I designed it in case the real thing was in danger and we need to swap it out. Guess my instincts were right." he told her.

She quickly took them from him. “Wow, that’s brilliant! I wish I’d thought of it myself.”

He turned to leave and then paused, looking at her once more. 

"Oh, and Isabel?" this time, emotion pained his face. 

"Yes?" she asked.

The scientist swallowed hard. "I can tell you care about Adrian a lot.

Her cheeks flushed and she nodded. “I do.”

He proceeded to put a gentle hand on her shoulder. 

“Bring him home, will you? For all of us," he told her.

"I will Tony."

He gave her one last smile. “I can tell he chose the right person to get attached to. And that his high praise of you is warranted.” Then he left leaving her in shock. 

(Adrian really thought about me like that?)

"Ten minutes Iz!" Lily shouted. 

Pushing down the lump that formed in her throat, she willed herself to return to her task. “Got it Lilz.”

She placed the decoy set in the safe where the real ones used to be and sealed the wall back up to be opened later when both hers and Vega’s traps were sprung.

“Now, where are his keys?” she wondered, continuing to rummage through his desk drawers.

"Adrian usually keeps them in that cabinet somewhere," Kamilah said.

Turning, Isabel rummaged through the shelves until her fingers closed around the cool metal. “Perfect!”

She surveyed the room before slipping back out and locking the door. This time she only rode the elevator back down to the fifth floor before heading for the stairs in the back of the building. They allowed her to get to the hallway next to the garage without anyone seeing her. As she made it to the first floor, she almost collided with Nicole.

(Speak of the devil.)

"Isabel, what on earth are you doing here?" the blonde demanded, her icy eyes boring into her.

"Oh, I was just getting my things while I still can," she replied, her hopeless demeanor returning.

She could tell that Nicole was buying it already. "You poor thing. I'm sad about it too, but there's nothing that can be done now."

The assistant saw something in the woman's eyes that sent a chill up her spine. She did have something up her sleeve. Delilah didn't call her a human lie detector without reason.

"You know," she said, "You were right." She sniffed before looking up at the ceiling as if she was about to breakdown completely. "I was never cut out for this! And now, I just want to move on and forget.” A single tear made its way down. 

She was met with a proud scoff. "I knew you were. I tried telling him but, he wouldn't listen. He has a habit of getting too attached to people. And now, he's going to die for it."

Isabel bit her cheek to keep from trying to punch her. "I need you to make sure the other employees get out safely before Vega shows up. I don't want them to end up as collateral damage," she asked instead, with a worried demeanor. “And stick around in case something happens. You know how Kamilah is.”

Nicole flashed her a smile, almost taunting her. She thought that they had already won. "I will do that. Nice knowing you Isabel." she sneered before pushing aside her to walk up the stairwell.

Breathing a sigh of relief, she ran into the garage and hastily opened the outside doors and unlocked the silver sports car. Slamming the door, she put the key in and her seatbelt on. It was then that she vaguely heard shouts from the building.

"Just as you predicted. Man, you're good," Jax whistled.

Isabel smirked although she was still on edge, terrified that their plans would be fooled. "Thanks. Now, I'll drive into the alley and pick you both up. Then, we go get Adrian."

"Roger that."

She started the engine and sped out of the garage, driving for a block before pulling to a quick stop where Jax and Kamilah hastily climbed inside.

"Go," Kamilah ordered looking over her shoulder and Isabel knew that Vega's men were already getting prepared to follow them.

"Hold on tight!" she exclaimed as she pressed hard on the gas pedal, the tires skidding as they drove through the streets, weaving in and out of traffic.

Gripping the seat, Jax asked her, "Are you sure you know how to drive this thing?!"

"Yes. However, we can't infiltrate The Shrike if we get caught now! So, I may have to get creative."

"Point taken."

Checking the rear view mirror, Isabel could see one black SUV that was two cars back that had been with them the entire time.

"This guy is hard to shake," she warned. "Be prepared for sharp turns!"

After a few minutes of turning different corners at high speed, she finally lost the other car and she slowed down a little. They still needed to go fast in order to get to their destination with enough time to pull everything off. The talk with The Baron could go on forever if he chose to drag it out. 

Kamilah proceeded to direct her to where the club was until the familiar facade and the loud jazz music signaled that they had arrived. She pulled the car into an alleyway a few blocks ahead of where Janet was waiting. 

“You finally made it! I was afraid that they had caught you for a minute.”

Isabel smiled. “Vega’s men were doing a good job following us so I had to take some detours.”

This was confirmed by Jax’s groan behind her as they all walked back to the parking lot. “You all owe me drinks after this...and Tylenol,” he grumbled as he set down the secret equipment he brought for down in the cellars. 

“You know we don’t have time for jokes,” she told him. “But, I will be happy to oblige your request later. I’ll probably need some alcohol myself.”

Carefully, they all went over the plan one final time.

"Okay, here’s how this is going to work," Kamilah told them. "Lily, you've hacked into the prison system correct?" 

"Yep. Did that before you even left Adrian's." she said over the ear piece. 

"I trained you well," the senior vampire continued. "Now, I'll go in with you two and try to get The Baron to give us Adrian in exchange for Jax. If that doesn't work then we'll add in plan B." she gave Isabel a look and she nodded.

He was still in the dark about that part. He looked at them confused. “What is plan B? You didn’t say anything about that.”

Isabel gave Kamilah a look. “Can I? she asked, her conscience getting to her. She didn’t want to keep him in the dark any longer.

“It’s your idea.”

“Plan B...is for Kamilah to add to the deal by offering me also.”

Jax’s eyes widened. “What?! That place is dangerous for us...but for you? If something happenes...they could kill you!”

Isabel sighed. “I know, but I want to help Adrian and I’m the one person The Baron would do anything to get rid of.”

“Y-you let her do this?”

“She can hold her own Jax,” Kamilah said. “I wouldn’t agree to it if I didn’t think she could handle it.”

Jax sighed, still not thrilled with the idea. Finally, he tossed Isabel one of the masks which she caught perfectly. “If you’re serious, then you’ll need one of these.”

She smiled at him, a determined fire in her eyes. “With you’re combat skills and my mind, Adrian will be out of there in no time.”

“So, are we good with this part of the plan then?” Kamilah inquired. 

Isabel thought for a moment before gasped. “Wait!” she exclaimed. “I don’t think our end of the deal will work. It’s too obvious.”

“What do you mean?”

“The Baron is already going to assume we want Adrian and if that’s what we offer him, he’s not going to go for it, no matter what we give in return. We need to pretend like Adrian is a lost cause and ask for something else,” she insisted. “Maybe about politics. You know he wants to have as much influence as possible.”

Kamilah considered that. "That's...a good catch Isabel. I have to agree. Okay, how about instead I ask for his vote at the next Council meeting?"

"That should be more convincing," Janet mused, knowing about each of the Leader’s weaknesses. 

"We’ll do that then,” Isabel said, taking over the review. “Moving on, once we have Jax down there, Lily will turn off the lights on our signal. Jax, that’s your cue to attack the guards so you can get the keys and find Adrian. In the meantime, Kamilah will keep The Baron occupied with or without me. There should be a back exit you'll take him to once you've freed him and we've made it out of the club. Then, I will get the car and call Nicole. Hopefully, Adrian will want to go back to Raines Corps for the serum where the trap will be set. Got it?”

Everyone nodded. "Janet, do you have the wires set?" Kamilah asked. 

The redhead replied instantly "Yep. I’m assuming you have the lighter and gasoline?” 

“Of course,” her boss said with a smile, tapping her pocket where the flask and lighter were held. 

Isabel’s heart rate skyrocketed as Janet left. While she wasn’t participating in the actual rescue, she would be getting supplies for when they were on the run. 

"Oh god, I really hope this works!" she exclaimed worriedly. There were so many things that could go wrong. And afterwards, it would be a challenge escaping Adrian's office once they were trapped inside it. She just hoped her gamble would pay off.

Kamilah put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I believe it will. We have to. If we stick to the plan and communicate with each other using the ear pieces we should be fine." The CEO gave her a brief smile. "Besides, they think you're weak because you're mortal. I did once. So let’s use that as our advantage, shall we?"

The pep talk was just what Isabel needed. "Okay, I'm ready.” 

As the three of them finally strolled into The Shrike, every head turned to stare at them. Isabel bristled with nervous energy as the walked deeper into the interior, remembering her treatment the last time. She and Kamilah were holding Jax at both sides with his hands bound in iron shackles, wearing a dejected expression. 

They approached the other end of the long hallway where The Baron's hulking figure was flanked by two of his guards. 

"Well, well, well. What have we here?" he sneered with his hoarse voice, the cigar smoke drifting from his right hand.

Kamilah shoved Jax roughly, causing him to yelp in pain. "Move you Clanless scum," she sternly ordered. 

She was using the anger about Adrian to put on the perfect show.

"Let go of me!" he shouted back, also playing the part. Briefly, Jax met Isabel's eyes and she feigned having to look away apologetically. 

(I hope we're doing the right thing.) 

Her mind raced with troublesome thoughts once more. She didn't want something to happen to him that she couldn't undo. He deserved to live just as much as Adrian did. Swallowing, she put on a neutral expression as the group met The Baron at the midpoint of the room. 

The man doubled over in laughter for several minutes before howling, "And what exactly is this?!" 

Kamilah rolled her eyes. "This is Jax Matsuo. Leader of the Clanless."

The light expression quickly vanished. "I'm familiar."

The mind games were getting annoying for Isabel who crossed her arms. "But did you know he's the one who killed two of your Clan?" she countered angrily.

"Isabel," Jax pleaded, keeping up the act flawlessly. 

As part of the plan, she ignored him and said emotionlessly, "It was him. He did it to rescue me." 

The Baron smirked at them. "Is that so?" he said slow and condescendingly. "Fascinating." He nodded and one of his men suddenly punched him in the stomach. 

"Hfffff!"

"That's just the beginning, you mangy cur," the Clan leader barked. 

Isabel's stomach quivered uneasily, but she steeled her resolve and as The Baron looked toward her with narrowed eyes, she met it with an intense stare. 

(Try it. We'll see who outsmarts who better.)

"And what exactly is this?" he demanded loudly. "Because I always look a gift horse in the mouth."

Kamilah sighed impatiently. "Not a gift. A proposition," she offered. 

Just as Isabel predicted, he scoffed at them. "Don't tell me you think I'll let Adrian go…" She was now grateful that she had them switch strategies last minute. 

"No. I know he's doomed," the other Clan Leader lamented artificially. "I've made peace with that. However, after he's gone, we will vote to determine who will take his place at the head of his Clan.”

"Undoubtedly. I do know how these things work," The Baron replied, almost bored now. 

She continued her explanation of the deal. "I want you to follow my lead in the vote. And in exchange, I will hand Jax over to you, to do what you wish with him."

A smile appeared on the vile man's features. "Ah, Kamilah, how quickly one's mind turns to one's own interests in times of flux…" 

He turned to Isabel and lifted a hand to pet her cheek. This made her sick to her stomach. However, unlike with Lester, she doubted she could get away with physical violence here. Especially not without Adrian to back her up. Instead, she gritted her teeth and glared at him, refusing to look away. 

"And this one," he mused. "I suppose she's yours now?"

"Indeed," Kamilah replied. 

The Baron continued to taunt them. "Sweet little thing. Is she sad about the imminent demise of her dear Adrian?"

Isabel's blood boiled and she couldn't hold back this time, not when he was getting Adrian involved. "Go to hell!"

"Still feisty, I see. I like that…" 

(You can thank my Latina blood.)

He proceeded to pet her as if she were some plaything for him to enjoy. 

Her palms balled into tight fists and she jerked away. "Keep touching me, and you'll see just how feisty I can get."

The tension was escalating quickly...just like she had hoped. Only this part she didn't have to fake. 

"Isabel," Kamilah demanded. This also technically wasn't part of the script and it was also making it more dangerous than it needed to be. She needed to be alive in order to save Adrian and make out in one piece. 

She calmed down inside, going back to faking the emotions. "We made our deal, there's no reason for me to suck up to him any more than I already have," she retorted, rolling her eyes.

Kamilah relaxed and pushed Jax roughly towards The Baron. "So what do you say, Baron? You can have him in exchange for your vote on Adrian's Clan."

He let out a dramatic sigh. "Hmmm, I don't know…" he pondered. 

"Just think how much pleasure you'd get from completely defanging the Clanless movement."

“It would be fun to torture him. But I've already promised Vega my vote. Turning on him will have quite the cost," The Baron replied

"I called it!" Lily said in the earpiece. "Get ready to go in there," she said, her voice laced with concern. 

A cunning, ruthless smile slowly appeared on Kamilah's face, setting the stage for them. 

"Okay," she purred. "How about if I sweeten the deal?"

Meanwhile, Isabel mentally prepared herself for what was next.

"Go on?" The Baron waved his cigar in the air.

The assistant began to play her part and feigned a look of surprise and fear, as if to say that this wasn't part of the plan. Then, on cue Kamilah pushed her towards The Baron and she pretended to gasp in horror. 

"I'll throw her in too," she insisted emotionless. 

"What?" Isabel exclaimed, using the real fear she felt to make her bluff more realistic. "Wait, Kamilah, th-this isn't…"

The CEO shrugged. "Sorry, Isabel. But Adrian's my blood brother. You're just a pet."

They both assumed their respective roles well and now Jax quickly improvising outrage. 

He turned to Isabel fuming. "Ha! You thought the Council were your friends? Little lesson, Isabel...if you swim with sharks, you'll get eaten.”

"Quiet!" Kamilah ordered. 

Almost immediately, The Baron began to fall into their hands. "Well, that's a much more tempting deal. I'm open to negotiation…"

"Excellent." 

Isabel wanted to smile as much as Kamilah was--their bluff was working. However, she had to stay committed. 

"Wait a second…" she pleaded in a false state of alarm. 

"Kamilah, let's go talk in my office," The Baron proceeded to say. "Guards, take these two down to a cell."

Just like that, their risk had paid off. The exhilaration from Isabel's scheme falling right into place took over and she barely managed to keep the frightened expression on her face. The guards grabbed her and Jax and she prepared to give them an encore. 

"No!" Jax shouted, still clueless about what really took place.

"Hey!" she yelped as Kamilah and The Baron departed. She continued her deceitful struggle to resist the two guard as they hustled them away. 

Suddenly, Jax grabbed her arm, desperately trying to get her attention.

She finally looked at him. "You okay?" he asked. She gave him a tiny nod, before looking down dejectedly.

"Hey!" one of the guards growled. "No talking. Let's go!”

Their grip was torn away as they were pushed forward once more. The guards hustled them down some stairs towards a dank, dark cellar where all that could be heard are screams and moans. A chill went up Isabel's spine and she willed herself to remain calm as she thought of Adrian being one of them.

(Don't worry Adrian, I'm coming for you!)

After a minute or so, she realized that she could finally drop her false demeanor. Taking in what she had just done, deceiving The Baron into letting them inside, a sly grin appeared. 

With a sigh, Jax grumbled, “For the record, I’m still not enthused about your self-sacrifice.”

“Duly noted. I’m still helping,” she replied. 

He responded with a scowl. “Jesus Christ, do you even know what you just walked into?” he fumed. “This place is dangerous for vampires, but for you? It could be a death sentence!”

Isabel rolled her eyes, as she became annoyed at him. She was tired of people doubting her. “Hey! Without me, The Baron definitely wouldn’t have let you down here so you’re welcome. And I know what I signed up for! But, I was always taught to put others first.”

Her voice dropped to a whisper so that the guard couldn’t overhear. “And to fight for those I care about, no matter how high the stakes are. Just like you do for the Clanless, right?”

“Yes...but this time if you don’t take care of you, there won’t be a you for you to care for others. For him.”

The head guard then put an end to the heated discussion. 

"I said don't talk! Or we'll start the torture early!" he growled.

Isabel resorted to examining her surroundings. Suddenly, she noticed a fragment on the wall beside her, as if it appeared out of nowhere. 

(What?)

A strange electric feeling consumed her as flashes of a vision consumed her: a meeting in a factory...tortured prisoners...and the members of the Council in sharp 1920's clothes. 

She was strongly drawn to the torn image but managed to snap herself out of it. She didn't have time for that. Plus, she had a feeling of familiarity, as if this had happened before. And that made her suspicious. So she ignored it and it faded from her mind completely, as if it had all been her imagination. 

She shook off the strange encounter as the guards escorted them down a long, dim stone tunnel line with iron-barred prison cells. Taking a deep breath, Isabel started to concentrate on finding Adrian...and that first involved getting the guards off of them. 

"Go on, keep moving!" one of the men ordered as her mind analyzed every detail, an eerie calmness washing over her. She was doing what she did best and for a cause, one she wanted more than any other. Her attention caught momentarily on the rows of cells as dozens of prisoners, both mortal, and vampire, pleaded and cried as she passed by. 

"Please...help me…"

"M-My daughter...she's out there...she n-needs me…"

Isabel could see that it was living up to its hype. The place smelled like rotting meat and sounded like the depths of hell. 

(God, this is unbearable.) 

As much as she wanted to look away, she couldn't. She had to look for Adrian. 

(Is he in one of these cells?)

She looked to her left and met eyes with a miserable looking man, his body was bloody and bruised and he clutched the bars of his cell.

"Please, I...I…"

She gave him a sympathetic look. She wished that they could rescue them all but, she doubted that was possible. "S-Sorry…"

The gas-powered torches around them flickered and pulsed even as the prisoners begged and moaned. 

"Damn," Jax muttered angrily. "I'd heard rumors about this place, but it's so much worse than I thought."

"Who are these people?" she asked. 

It was the noisy guard who answered. "Criminals that didn't pay their dues. People that got nosy. Members of The Baron's Clan who got outta line. Really it's just anyone who pissed off the boss."

As if Isabel needed more reasons to hate him. Ruling a Clan like a dictator and torturing members if the don't obey was pushing it, even for him.

"And he's allowed to do this?" 

The burly man shrugged nonchalantly. "What the Council don't know can't hurt 'em, right?"

The hidden microphone on her shirt picked up everything, and she knew Kamilah heard. 

"Speaking of which…" The guards slowed down in front of an open cell and prepared to push her and Jax inside. With a smile, the man guard sneered, "Your new home." 

Jax turned and looked her in the eye. They both nodded in agreement. 

(Not so fast.)

"Now!" he growled. 

Isabel whispered into the microphone wired into her clothing. "Go!"

Back at Kamilah's office, Lily heard the command loud and clear. "Copy that."

Using Janet's intel and the company's powerful computer system, she had hacked into the prison system. Hitting the Master Power button, she teased, "Lights out, assholes."

Inside the dungeon, the torches' gas valves snapped shut, and at once, they all went dark.

"What the hell?" the guard exclaimed as everything was plunged into complete darkness. 

Smirking Isabel and Jax slipped on the infrared goggles that they had hidden underneath their shirts.  

"Ready?" she asked, determined now more than ever to save Adrian. 

"Let's do this," he replied. 

"What happened? Where'd the lights go?" The guard was still trying to figure out what had happened. 

Jax stepped inside the open cell and used the metal bedpost to break the chains of his handcuffs. Smiling, he said, "And now…" He threw open his jacket to reveal a pair of sheathed daggers. "Showtime."

Isabel pulled out the pink pepper spray hidden underneath her sweater. It wasn't a lot but, it would create more distraction.

Jax suddenly sprung into action, moving in a graceful twirl. With a forceful throw, he buried one stake up to the hilt into a guards chest, causing him to instantly crumple into a pile of ash. 

The other guard fumbled in the dark seething to himself. "You sneaky, little…"

Jax lunged at him, but the guard was too fast and too strong. He hit Jax with a hard backhand, knocking him to the floor. His knife clattered out of his hands. 

"Crap!"

"Jax!" Isabel exclaimed as the guard swiveled, slamming the cell door shut behind him to trap Jax inside. Then, he turned to her menacingly. "My eyes have adjusted," he boasted. "Which means you're dead meat, girl."

(Uh oh.)

She swallowed, desperately looking around for anything to defend herself. He came forward in the dark, getting close to her and her mind raced quickly. Then, she noticed the keys dangling from his pocket which she could probably reach. 

Using the anger she felt about Adrian, she pulled out the mace and sprayed it before running towards him at top speed, surprising him as she smashed into him. 

"Rarrrgh!""What the hell?!"

Taking advantage of the confusion in the darkness, she kneed him in the groin before hastily unhooked the keys hanging off his belt loop, and dashed to the cell door.

 "Hey!"

"Isabel?" Jax warned as she unlocked the cell door and looked just in time to see the guard rush her from behind, grabbing her tightly. 

"Isabel!"

His breath was hot in her ear. "What do you think you're doing?!" At least a foot taller and two hundred pounds heavier, he picked her up easily by the collar, her feet dangling helplessly. 

"Hey!" she shrieked, trying violently kick him in the shins. 

Suddenly she heard Jax's voice. "Let. Her. Go." He rolled out of the cell and drove his dagger into the guard's kneecap. "Ugggkkk!"

The guard dropped her and Jax ripped the knife free before driving it into his chest. On top of him, he smirked, "Gotcha."

The guard crumpled into ash, as Jax walked out of the cell. 

Isabel looked at him impressively. "Nice moves, Matsuo."

He chuckled in response. "You weren't too bad yourself."

"Think we're doing okay?" she asked, catching her breath.

 He thought for a moment. "Don't hear any alarms, so I think we pulled it off. Let's hope Kamilah's holding her own with The Baron."

They heard her chuckle before faintly telling The Baron she thought she heard something amusing. They took that as a cue that everything was smooth on her end.

 Isabel spoke into the earpiece mic again. "Lily, lights on please."

"You got it!" Hitting a key on the computer, she restored power and the lights flickered back on. 

Anticipation made Isabel's stomach fill with butterflies and whole body tingle with an electric feeling. Now they just had to find Adrian. Her and Jax peeled off the goggles and began to quickly head down the hallway looking for him. 

"Do you see him?" she asked worriedly. 

(Stay strong Adrian. You'll be out of there soon.)

Jax shook his head, and saw that her emotions were clouding her focus. "No...and we need to hurry before they realize what we've done. By my count, we've got three, maybe four minutes."

“Right. Luckily, I have been told that I’m perceptive.”

As she regained her high concentration, the pleading faces of the other prisoners continued to stare out at them from cells lining the hallway. Isabel felt horrible as they reached out hands and called out as she passed by, but right then, she had a single-minded focus. After a minute of endlessly searching with no luck, she decided her best bet was to start calling for him. She hoped, needed him to recognize her voice. 

"A-Adrian!...Adrian!" she exclaimed desperately. 

Almost instantly, she heard something like a groan that she instantly knew was his and her heartbeat quickened. "Jax, over here!" 

She ran as fast as she could to the cell where it came from and found him in a drugged state slumped against the back corner. Seeing his condition, she instantly felt her eyes water as her heart broke. 

"Oh my god," she whimpered.

 He slowly lifted his head up and his face twisted with mixed emotions. 

"Isabel? Is...Is that really you?" he managed to whisper. 

She nodded before yelling to Jax, "Quick! The keys!"

"Here!" 

She fumbled with them as the tears spilled over causing her hands to shake. 

“Come on Isabel, come on,” she muttered.

Finally, she found the right one and unlocked the cell before immeditely rushing to Adrian's side. His face was haggard and his eyes were bloodshot. Her feelings took over as she impulsively crushed him to her for a few moments, all of the emotions she had been feeling over the course of the night flooding out. She let out a sigh of relief when he made the effort to embraced her back. “It’s okay! You’re okay.”

After a minute, she pulled back enough to see his face. He looked at her in shock. "You...came for me. I had this...hope but...I didn’t think..you actually did this...for me.”

She gave him a tearful smile. 

"Of course I did," she cried. "I would never leave you." She reached out and touched his cheek and in return, he squeezed her hand tightly. She bit her lip before admitting, “You mean too much to me now.”

"Isabel, I…"

As much as she wanted to hear his voice, she knew that he needed to save his strength for the escape. "Shh. Talk later. Let's get you out of here."

She heard footsteps coming down the stairs towards the dungeon and knew that they had to make it quick. 

"Not to break up this oh-so-touching reunion, but we're about to have company," Jax said sternly.

Isabel nodded, her focus coming back to where it needed to be. "We need to get out of here. Like now."

On cue, they heard a guard exclaim, "What the hell is going on down there?"

She scanned the rest of the prison with the blueprints pictured in her mind and found what they needed. "Quick! The back exit.”

“Getting Nicole as bait now,” Lily said from the office.

"Come on," Isabel told Adrian. "We'll help carry you." Hastily, her and Jax helped him towards the back stairs. But as they're almost at the the door, Isobel noticed a lever labeled, "MASTER CELL DOOR RELEASE". 

"This would free them all. All of The Baron's prisoners," Jax confirmed.

Adrian scowled, adding angrily, "Not to mention wreak total chaos on his operation."

(Releasing The Baron's prisoners would let us get some revenge. Plus, we could have allies for the fight ahead with Vega!)

Isabel looked back and saw that they had just enough time if they acted now.

"Then what are we waiting for?" she shouted, all of the anger for Vega and The Baron as well Nicole hit her all at once. "Let's pull that damn lever!" 

She grasped the heavy metal level with both hands and tried to pull by herself, but it wouldn't budge. Then she saw why: with the amount of rust on it, it looks like it probably hasn't been touched in decades. "Oh, come on!" she fumed.

She heard the hurried footsteps of a small pack of guards coming down the front stairs and her heart rate accelerated. Suddenly, both Jax and Adrian both put their hands over hers. She looked up at them in surprise that quickly morphed into determination. She met Adrian's intense stare and she felt the electricity in their eyes. 

"Let's do this," he thundered. 

Jax joined in on the sentiment. "Hell yeah." 

All three of them pulled hard and the level slammed down with a thud. Isabel beamed as every cell door along the hallway creaked open simultaneously. 

"That is badass!" Lily exclaimed. 

A stunned silence overtook the prison. Then loud hollering filled the space as the prisoners started streaming out of their cells. Isabel felt electric, as if she was a superhero.

(This is what making a better world feels like!)

"Follow us!" Isabel yelled, overcome with relief and joy. She turned and ran as fast as she could up the stairs, with Jax and Adrian close behind. The prisoners began to follow them.

"We're free! Oh my god, we're actually free!"

"Thank you! Thank you so much!"

"Hurry, they're right behind us!"

Isabel looked over her shoulder and saw the guards catch the pack of fleeing prisoners on the stairs. Then, a brawl broke out and she watched in shock and delight as the guards were hurled down, kicked in the head, and one was even impaled on his own weapon. 

"Whoa…" And here she thought she had seen it all. 

"What's going on?" Jax exclaimed, turning to see the commotion.

“A revolution.” As much as Isabel wanted to stay, they couldn't. They needed to be at the office in time to set the trap for Nicole. "Just keep going! Get Adrian out of here!"

They did as she was told as she looked back and saw a small figure emerge from one of the cells. Eventually she noticed that it was a small child. The little boy was in old-fashioned clothes, looking around quietly.

(Oh my god! I've got to go back and get him!)

"Wait here! I'll be back in a minute!" she told Jax and Adrian.

She bucked the tide of prisoners streaming up the stairs, hugging the wall as she made her way back to the boy. "Hi there, little guy." His brow pinched as he looked up at her.

 He spoke in a foreign language. "A kto ti?"

"I...don't know what that means. But I'm Isabel."

"A ya Vladimir. Zdrasti." She vaguely made out that he was probably Russian and it was his name. That was not one of the three languages she had studied. 

"Right. Why don't you come with me and I'll get you out of here?"

She heard Jax swear on the earpiece and ask Adrian, "What the hell is she doing?!" 

His mic barely picked up on the response. "What always does, put others first."

Smiling to herself, she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the exit with you. "I couldn't just leave him behind! He's just a kid!"J

Just then a guard, a greasy vampire she recalled seeing in The Shrike the first time she visited, came up behind her. His eyes glowed bright red. "Stop right there!" He lunged forward, and she dodged once before he knocked her down to the ground. 

"Oooof!" she yelped, hitting the ground hard. She scrambled to get up, scowling as he sneered at her. "Get...away from him!" 

She was still trying to regain her breath. 

"Looks like you're too slow," the creep replied.

In anger, she pulled out the pepper spray and dowsed him as he started for the boy. “I said, don’t touch him!”

“ARGH!” Seething, the vampire clutched his forehead in agony. “I’ll be back for you!” He approached the kid menacingly.

As Isabel approached, prepared to try to defend him, the boy stared at her, then his expression changed making her stop in her tracks. 

"Eto bula oshibka." he growled, startling the creepy guard. 

"Wait...what now?" 

Faster than any vampire Isabel had seen the boy pounced, tackling the man to the ground. "Raaaaaaaghhhhhh!"

"No! Wait! Get off of me!" Shrieking and hissing, the child tore into vampire, driving his thumbs into the man's still inflamed eyes with a wet squish.

"Oh my god!" Isabel shrieked. "Um guys, I think he'll be fine. I'm...just going to keep running now." She hurried to catch up with Jax and Adrian, managing to avoid the remaining fights and bloody confrontations on the stairs. "Did you see that?" she gasped, rejoining them. 

"Holy crap that kid is terrifying!" Jax replied with a nod. Adrian looked equally horrified. 

Finally they all burst out onto the street level amid the stream of escaping prisoners. Around the corner outside, Kamilah paced anxiously. As the three of them rushed out, she looked up and a relieved smile appeared. 

"You made it!" she exclaimed, her clothes ripped in several places. 

Examining her, Isabel was quick to determine how they got there. “And The Baron?” she asked with worry. 

"Bashed his head in with a trophy in his office. He should be down for quite some time."

"Oh my god!" 

Meanwhile, Adrian stood there silently, trying to take everything in. Finally he said, "I'm not usually one to question a rescue, but do we have a getaway plan?"

Isabel smiled proudly before pulling out the car keys safely in her back pocket. "You'd better believe it." 

She quickly disappeared, leaving him utterly speechless. She ran the two blocks where his sports car was still parked in the alleyway and climbed inside. Seconds later, she screeched to a halt back in front of them, a smirk on her face. 

“Adrian," she said with a wink. "What do you think?”

Adrian looked at her with an impressed smile. "Isabel. I really need to stop underestimating you." 

They all piled inside.  "Hang on!" she ordered hitting the gas pedal hard. As she zoomed away, she looked back and saw hoards of exhilarated former prisoners flooding out into the street. Behind them The Shrike suddenly went up in flames. 

"Timed it perfectly," Kamilah said, sitting back in the seat with satisfaction. 

"Did you set The Shrike on fire?!" Adrian wondered looking back at the now raging inferno.

Isabel nodded. "Janet planted the wires before we got here and Kamilah used the gasoline when she was done with The Baron." Then, she returned her attention to the road.

Granted, she didn't think they would have to worry about the prisoners when they planned it. She realized that all of them hurt and crowding the streets probably put them in danger.

Kamilah answered. "Normally, maybe not. But with the chaos that's about to sweep this city, I suspect most of them will be able to escape into the shadows."

"Besides," Jax scoffed. "Anything's better than being locked in there."

"True…" Isabel sighed, deftly piloting the car through the city streets as a comfortable silence spreads through the vehicle. "Jax, can you call Nicole for me?" she asked, ready to initiate the last part of the plan. 

He nodded and grabbed her phone, dialing the VP and putting her on speaker. 

"Hello? What is it?" the blonde snapped and Isabel had to bite her tongue. 

"Did Lily tell you about our rescue plan?" she asked urgently."

Yes...why? Did something go wrong?"

"No, not at all. In fact, we got Adrian out! He's in the car with us."

"What? That's...incredible," Nicole said, though her tone didn't quite match the words. "I didn't think you would be able to do it."

(Oh, I know. Keep underestimating me.)

Biting her tongue, Isabel told her, "Look, if you still want to be a part of the plan, can you meet us somewhere with a change of clothes?"

"...yeah, I can do that, for Adrian, of course. I'll meet you near Central Park," Nicole said before abruptly hanging up. 

"That was...rather odd," Adrian observed, his brow furrowed. 

(Oh, you have no idea.) 

Isabel sighed but didn't say anything. He needed for the upcoming betrayal to be a surprise. A few minutes of silence passed before the madness of what transpired hit her fully.

"Oh my god," she exclaimed sitting back in the seat amazed. "I can't believe we actually pulled that off!"

"Of course it did, you're plan was brilliant!" Lily exclaimed as Jax pounded a fist triumphantly against the ceiling. 

"Hot damn," he whistled. "I'll give you Council vamps this, you know how to make a night exciting."

Even Kamilah was beaming. "Good work. All of you."

It wasn't long before they pulled into the curb at the edge of the park and Nicole ran up to meet them. 

"Here's a suit, boss," she said through the rolled down window. "Figured you might need it." She joined the crew in the back seat and they began to drive again. 

"Thank you," Adrian told her. In the passenger seat, he quickly changed into his suit before staring out of the window silently.

Isabel could help becoming nervous again. She had no idea how they were getting out of Adrian's office when they were probably going to be surrounded. She figured they would do that on the spot, but there was a lot of risk involved.

Sighing, she found his hand and gently squeezed it. "Are you okay?" she asked worriedly. "Did they hurt you?"

He smiled at her wearily. "They tried," he told her, jaw clenched.

"Oh no…"

She met his gaze as he continued. "The guards have some...novel methods of torture. But I'll live."

From the rearview mirror, she caught a brief change in Nicole's expression. An evil smile maybe? It was so faint, she barely noticed it. But it was enough to confirm her suspicions and make the precautions worth it. Nicole was in on it, Isabel felt it in her gut.

Turning back to Adrian, she stammered, "I'm glad we got you out of there when we did."

"Me too." He smiled at her gently before turning his head to speak to the others in the car.

"I need to thank you. All of you," he told them. "Kamilah, this couldn't have been easy for you to do. You've openly defied the Council…"

"I've lost one brother. I'm not losing another," she replied sternly.

Next, Adrian looked over at Jax. "And thanks to you, too. I don't think we've been properly introduced."

Isabel felt dumb for not mentioning it in the parking lot. "Oh, Adrian, this is Jax Matsuo. He's, uh...Clanless."

His eyes narrowed and the two regarded each other warily.

She felt the need to say something more. "Jax is also the one who helped me escape The Shrike before...remember? I promise he's trustworthy, he just wants to protect his people."

"Mr. Matsuo. Your reputation precedes you," Adrian finally said nodding.

Jax simply tilted his head. "Does it now? And what exactly have you heard about me?"

"Good things. Mostly," the CEO replied, looking briefly at Isabel who breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, well, that's what I've heard about you too. Your friends made some pretty big promises. I expect you to keep them."

Adrian hesitated before reaching out to extend his hand. Jax stared at it in surprise before shaking it.

"To a long and fruitful relationship," the Clan leader said.

"If you say so." It was shaky but, it was a good start.

Kamilah cleared her throat. "First things first," she told them. "We need to get out of the city as soon as we can. It's not safe for us here right now. Once word gets out about what happened, every vampire in the city's going to be hunting us."

"I know we need to run...but first we need to stop by my office first. For the serum," Adrian replied with a frown.

Isabel was once again right on the nose. She and Kamilah made eye contact and exchanged a look.

Kamilah feigned shock. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Serum?" Jax inquired confused.

Isabel forgot that they hadn't filled him in on that part. She sighed, "It's...a long story." Then she turned to the passenger seat and said, "Adrian, that's something you need to do. I'm not saying it's a good idea, but I get why you need to do it. I trust you."

He gave her a sad smile. "I appreciate that, Isabel. I wouldn't even dream of it if it wasn't important." Then, his face twisted in anger. "Vega set this whole thing up to get his hands on it. It's too powerful to risk falling into his hands."

(Already have that covered, but you can't know that yet.)

"Isn't it in that super-secure safe?"

She was referring to the one in the office, where she had destroyed the first batch.

Adrian sucked in a breath. "That safe buys us time. But sooner or later, he'll find a way to get in."

Nicole smiled, though not for the reason he thought. "I agree. The serum needs to be protected, It's the corporation's most valuable asset."

She clearly thought that this was playing into her hands. Little did she know, Isabel was already two steps ahead.

Kamilah frowned. "Fine," she surrendered. "We'll just grab it and go."

The plan was unfolding almost perfectly.

"Is anyone going to tell me what this magical serum actually does?" Jax wondered, eyes wide.

Isabel did the explaining, once she received a nod from both Adrian and Kamilah. "It lets vampires walk in the sunlight."

"What?! You know what? From now on, I'm just not going to ask any more questions."

"Probably for the best," Adrian agreed.

Isabel quickly pulled up to the curb in front of the Raines Corporation building and Adrian and Nicole hopped out.

"We'll be right back," he told them.

Jax's eyebrows raised. "Never stops with you lot, does it?"

"Never," Kamilah sighed. She gave Isabel the signal. 

Nodding, she jumped out of the car too, joining them. She wasn't going to let Nicole trap him in there alone.

"What do you think you're doing?" the blonde asked with an icy glare, now rattled. "We'll just be a moment."

Crossing her arms, Isabel stood her ground. "Um, I'm definitely coming. I've been through all of this with Adrian so far. I'm not stopping now."

(Plus I'm the one who knows what you're really up to.)

She could see the wheels turning in Nicole's head, scrambling to try and throw her off. "I'm just...looking out for your safety. Who knows what Vega might have up his sleeve."

Adrian interrupted their argument. "We'll be in and out before anyone knows we're here. But we have to go now."

"I'm still coming with you," she demanded. 

After a minute he nodded over Nicole's continued protests. "Okay Isabel, if you’re positive. She is perfectly capable of doing this Nicole. I wouldn't have hired her if she wasn't."

“I am. If something goes wrong, I want to be there."

"I'll be ready in case you need a getaway driver," Jax told them before jumping into the driver's seat with a smile. "Sweet ride…"

With an amused smile, Adrian commented, "Fine. You dent it, the deal's off."

Leaving Kamilah and Jax in the car, they headed upstairs with Nicole to Adrian's office. His gaze fixated momentarily at the torn security equipment before getting into the office.

"Hurry. Please," the blonde fretted.

Isabel knew she was rushing for a different reason. She sat back watching Nicole like a hawk, her arms folded tightly as she dreaded the interaction that would occur next.

Adrian headed to the wall and exposed the hidden panel. His fingertips glided over it, the elegant complex series of patterns Isabel did a few hours earlier. Her breath hitched in anticipation as she heard the gears whirling, latches clicking, and the operation of the powerful mechanism. The wall slid open to reveal his safe and the serum that was supposed to be inside. 

"And there it is," he said smiling. He reached for it, but just as he did so, the door to the conference room flew open.

She wasn't surprised and yet she still gasped. More to do with her suspicions being correct. Still wearing the earpiece she whispered. "Code red!"

This alerted Kamilah and Jax back in the car to prepare for an escape and Adrian looked at her confused but she couldn't say anything. 

"I hope you can get him out of there Isabel!" Kamilah exclaimed as a half-dozen vampires burst into the office, leveling crossbows at Adrian.

"Oh my god!" she shouted, the scene frightening her even though she knew it was coming.

Furious, Adrian looked around frantically. "What is this?"

His assistant answered for him, shooting daggers at Nicole. "A trap Adrian!”

The blonde's eyes narrowed at her as she realized that something was amiss with her rouse.

A soldier ordered, "The serum. Now."

"I know you. You're one of Vega's men!" Adrian roared.

"What I am is the guy about to put a bold through your heart! Hand over that serum!"

"Never!"

Isabel watched the man start to lunge for Adrian and jumped into action. She impulsively lept in front, putting herself right in between him and the guards. "Stop! Don't shoot him!" she growled.

Adrian looked at her in shock. "Isabel, what are you doing?!"

She stopped for a moment.

(What am I doing?)

Then her resolve crystalized and her scowl returned as Nicole stepped forward. She planted herself more firmly against him. "I'm protecting you, since I'm the only one in here who will."

The blonde rolled her eyes before beginning her monologue. "Enough. This is over."

Adrian's looked at both of them bewildered before turning to his VP. "Nicole! Run! They'll shoot you!"

Isabel shook her head. "No Adrian, they won't. Will they?" she demanded, wishing she could interrupt what came next.

"What?"

"No, you're right Isabel. I don't think they will," Nicole replied, smiling mischievously.

The crossbows remained trained on her and Adrian and he looked over at her. "What is she doing?"

"Betraying you," she told him bitterly.

Then, Nicole took her place alongside Vega's men. "Sorry, boss. But that serum is mine now."

Isabel watched Adrian's expression darken as he realized her assistance was a trap. But, unbeknownst to Nicole, she had an ace up her sleeve which she could finally reveal.  

The mental game of chess was coming to an end. She was coming for the king, and she sure as hell wasn't going to miss. 

.....

[paddy-nic]

Hognesia (Pt. 4), a Sonic Boom fanfic

I. Am. So. Sorry. It shouldn’t take a year for me to finish a story - especially a short like this little thing. So to keep this pre-story drabble to a minimum (since we all hate it when writers do this), I present to you the final installment of Hognesia. Enjoy!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

The night was quiet. The bugs and noises from the outdoors penetrated the simple hut walls to a point where he thought he was camping. Sonic of course couldn’t sleep after that long day. Not only was it a very interesting and tiring one – waking up with amnesia, learning he can run at super speeds, falling for his ‘old friend’ – he also found it extremely uncomfortable that his ‘old self’ would sleep on the couch with his legs raised above his head! He shifted and turned uncontrollably as he was fed up with trying to force comfort upon himself. “Ugh! The fox said this is how I normally sleep?!” He grunted.

“Pst!” That definitely wasn’t a natural outdoorsy sound.

Sonic’s ears perked up. “Huh?”

“PSST! Sonic, old pal!” The voice came from just out the closest window. Sonic got up to investigate. Before he did though, he found the necessary urge to twist his back to crack it to relieve himself from the tension he was forcing upon his muscles and joints in his attempt at sleep. He staggered over to the window and looked out. “Hey! How are you, uh, friend?”

“Um, who are you?” Sonic asked. The bags under his eyes from the previous sleepless hours were quite prevalent as he looked upon his ‘friend.’

“What?! Sonic, you don’t remember your bestest friend of all time? It’s me! Egg-uh…mond… Edmond!” The man was standing out of a bush and had his arms fully extended in a way of presenting himself.

“Yeah, so I’ve been told I hit my head and lost my memory so can’t say I do. Plus, no one ever mentioned an Edmond…” Sonic blatantly explained.

“Well, it sounds like they aren’t your friends if they didn’t mention your best buddy! Er, who was it that didn’t tell you about me?” He leaned in to limit the distance between him and the hedgehog as if they were talking secretly.

“Amy, Tails, Knu–”

“Oh NO! You didn’t run into those guys did you?” Sonic’s eyes grew in a surprised manner at the sudden interruption that occurred causing him to end his statement abruptly. Edmond seemed very shocked and concerned. “I’m just glad you are safe if that’s the case!”

Sonic’s expression now changed to concern and interest. “Wh-what do you mean?”

“Well… they’re the bad guys Sonic.” Edmond stated. Sonic’s ears dropped back and his face sagged a bit as he stared off slightly. “Yeah, they have been plotting to seize control over this island for years. But you and I have been able to hold them off since then. It seems that,” Edmond gave an exaggerated gasp, “it seems that they may have altered your memory as a diabolical plot to use you against your own knowing will!” Edmond covered his mouth with his hands trying to look as shocked as ever. His face contorted to a comforting demeanor and his mustache drooped down to the sides. He reached out his hand and placed it on Sonic’s shoulder. “Hey, buddy, don’t feel bad. Besides, I have a plan to defeat them once and for all! Meet me at the beach tomorrow at 10am okay?”

Sonic curled his brow and clenched his fists. “You got it…Friend.”

…

Sonic once again found himself on the examiner’s table in Tails’ Workshop. The fox was walking around staring down at a clipboard in his hands and occasionally rubbed his chin in contemplation. “So my initial analysis shows that you have no permanent brain damages but your memory doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of recovering. You say you still don’t recall anything past yesterday when you woke up?” He stopped in front of him.

Sonic was looking bored and answered flatly, “Nope.”

At this time Sticks and Knuckles showed up. “Hey-hey! Tails!!” Knuckles said excitedly. “We were going to go to Hornet Hive on the other side of the island. I was gonna throw rocks at them while she,” Knuckles tossed a fist and thumb in Sticks’ direction “was going to harvest the nest for some of her crazy mumbojumbo supplies.” Sticks did nothing but enthusiastically nod in concurrence to the echidna’s statements. “We wanted to see if you wanted to join us!”

Tails was frozen at their irrational request. “Normally I’d explain how crazy that is, but for now I’m just going to say no.” He went back to looking at his charts.

“Well, what about Sonic! Maybe some adrenaline would be good for his government mind-control condition.” Sticks explained to which Sonic’s eyes grew in confused concern. She kept talking. “What d’you say!”

“Uh, sorry um…wait, I got this.” Sonic said and began to rub his chin in contemplation. Sticks crossed her arms know exactly where this was going. Sonic then snapped and pointed his finger toward the badger. “Stones!”

“Sticks.” She annoyingly corrected him.

“Sticks.” He said instantly to cover his fault. “I was close.” He looked at Tails and shrugged.

“GUYS!” The shrill voice pierced the workshop and caught the attention of each one present. Zooey ran in. “Eggman is attacking the village! He’s got two StrikeBots now!” She exclaimed.

“Two? We scathed by on one with Sonic’s memory as the casualty! Now we have two?” Tails stated sounded concerned. He looked back and saw that Sonic had vanished. “Sonic?”

…

“Ahahahaha!” Eggman cackled from up above another fleeing crowd as he shot lasers from his floating transporter. “Run you furballs RUN!” He then let out another cackle.

Meanwhile, the two StrikeBots were wreaking havoc on the town. They’d swivel and turn with their boosted arms and slam into trees and buildings causing explosions of debris.

Without moments to spare, the gang of heroes showed up, Tails Knuckles Sticks and Amy, all ready to fight. “You got us good with that thing last time Egghead,” Tails took charge with the taunts in his best friend’s absence. “but we know what we’re up against! You won’t catch us off guard this time!”

“Ohohohoh, but that’s where you’re wrong foxy.” At his statement, Sonic jumped up from behind one of the StrikeBots and slammed onto the ground with one knee bent and a hand to brace the impact. He looked up and slowly rose to both his feet.

“What?” Amy stated in perplexity.

“Alright friend. Let’s do this. ATTAAAAACCCCKK!!!” At his command, Sonic jumped up and dove right between the quad. Luckily they all dove out of the way.

The gang scattered; Tails flying up high, Amy diving off into a roll and conjured up her hammer, Sticks and Knuckles ran to the side ready to jump in at the opportune moment. Sonic was naturally quick to follow and charged over at Amy. He came at her at a speed that was much slower than his newfound norm but was easily manageable for his pink foe. She held up her hammer to counter his pounce. “Sonic, what are you doing!”

Simultaneously, one of the StrikeBots swung high toward Tails. It missed and slammed its fist into a large tree that overhung the area. The force busted the trunk and caused the top to plummet. Sonic saw this and immediately curled up and shot himself toward the tree top that was now surely going to cause some hefty damage to the building beneath it. He crashed into it and shattered it into pieces of tiny debris. They rained onto the building causing minuscule damage – nothing compared to what might have happened if he didn’t.

“Huh?” Tails sounded off in perplexity at the sight.

Next, Knuckles and Sticks worked to try and take out the bots. They took one out before so they knew they could. Knuckles picked up Sticks to toss her toward the mechanized beasts. As he threw her, Sonic was quick to intervene. He met her midflight and grabbed her wrists. Twirling her around as he spun naturally, he released her and threw her back into the echidna to catch her fall. He landed and looked over at Amy. The pained look on her face was near torture to him. Their eye contact was short lived as Sonic steeled himself and turned back to the fight, heading toward Knuckles and Sticks.

A StrikeBot then smashed its fist down toward Amy. She dodged and took a heavy swing of her hammer to the machine. It left a hearty dent but didn’t seem to do much else in terms of disabling the mecha. While she was distracted, the other StrikeBot propelled one of its arms toward Amy. In the fray of it all, Sonic bounced from sparing with Knuckles and Sticks and accidentally knocked into the arm of the StrikeBot assaulting Amy causing it to miss.

He flung back in recoil, landing on his back and sliding a bit. He sat up and held his head, shaking off the result of the miscoordination. “Geez Edmond! Watch where you are flinging those things!” He shouted.

“Heh, sorry.” He responded coyly.

The effects wore off quickly and Sonic jumped back in. The fight ensued for a good while. Occasionally something would happen that would either endanger a bystander or possibly cause a large extent of damage and Sonic always seemed to coincidentally keep such events from occurring. This went completely unnoticed with the exception of a quick witted fox.

Worn and tired, Knuckles slowed to a point to get hit by a StrikeBot strong enough to blow him back but nothing more. Tails was flying now with Sticks in his grasps in an attempt to get an aerial advantage. But Sonic was all too fast and lunged at them. “Sticks I’m letting go!” Tails told her in preparation to drop her to lessen anything that might happen with the three’s collision. He did so and she landed next to Knuckles. At that same time, Amy cartwheeled back to them and stood braced with her hammer in hand, huffing with exhaustion. Sonic then collided with Tails in the air and it was then Tails had confirmation of his suspicion as the trusting Sonic gave him to knock him out of the sky was nowhere near his full potential. In fact, it mirrored a simple game of tag that they played many times. Tails landed on his feet next to his friends as Sonic followed.

He stood in front of them and looked down as he got ready for what seemed like a follow-up attack. He looked at their faces. Fear in Sticks’ eyes, confusion in Knuckles’, anticipation in Tails’…and sadness in Amy’s.

“HAHAHA! That’s it Sonic! Now finish them!” Eggman called out with joyous affirmation.

“Just one thing first Edmond.” Sonic gave Amy a grin that she knew all too well. He turned around and quickly leapt toward one of the StrikeBots. He curled into a ball and spin dashed right through the thing’s torso and out its back where the main controls were. His momentum came to an end when he landed sideways on a nearby building and pushed off again to make a second round. This time it was opposite of his previous trajectory and came smashing through the second StrikeBot, controls first and torso second. He seemingly landed in the exact spot in front of Amy Sticks Tails and Knuckles as he was a split second before. The two StrikeBots fidgeted and crashed in an explosion that sent its pieces in all directions.

Sonic turned to Eggman. “You really think just because I don’t remember a thing, I would fall for one of the oldest cliché’s ever?” Sonic continued with a mocking tone. “Oh he lost his memory so I’m going to turn him against his friends!” He then let out a raspberry. “Pffff. Come on Egghead. Besides, I don’t need to remember anything to tell who my friends are, some things are just obvious!”

Eggman smacked his fist on the console of his floating device and let out a growl.

“Not only was Edmond a way too obvious cover EGGMAN… Seriously, what kind of idiot–”

“I am a genius you insubordinate rodent!” Eggman shouted out.

“Sure. Well that’s hard to believe when you come creeping to my window in the middle of the night where as these guys have been with me since the moment I lost my memory. Not only that, they knew more about me –”

Eggman cut off Sonic’s monologueing. “I will not have it!” He shouted. “I was hoping for a victory in a traditional Eggman fashion but I guess I’ll have to resort to Plan C!...or was it D… Oh, anyway!” Quite exaggeratedly he drew his hand in the air with a single finger extended and slammed it into a button releasing a single missile from his personal flying machine.

It caught the heroes by surprise as the missile launched quickly toward them. “Sonic look out!” Amy shouted as she lunged forward and swung her hammer with perfect coordination. It smacked the missile and switched its trajectory to some point high and far. Unfortunately, the momentum of the swing was too strong and Amy couldn’t stop it until after it slammed into the side of Sonic’s head. With the tremendous force of the hit, Sonic was thrown off his feet and landed back unconscious on the ground.

Above the scene, Eggman used his hand to bar the sun’s glare from his eyes as he gazed at the far off missile. “Huh… Kind of heading toward…” He heard a loud explosion followed shortly by a buzz on his radio communicator.

“Uhh boss? We got a problem at the lair.” Orbot called.

“Who dropped a missile here? I thought we were the only one with those!” Cubot was overheard in the background of the transmission.

“Grrrrrr!” Eggman grumbled before turning and floating off. “This doesn’t end you rats!” He retorted in his retreat.

Nearly by a local villager, who happened to be a rat, heard the insult. “Ugh! That is highly offensive!”

In the aftermath of the battle, Sonic was still lying on the ground motionless. “SONIC!” Amy shouted as she ran over to him. The others quickly followed. She propped his head on her lap as his eyes fluttered open.

“Ugggghhh…” He groaned and began rubbing the baseball sized lump on his head. “What happened?”

“Oh no!” Knuckles shouted frantically. “We lost both Sonic AND Memory-Loss-Sonic’s memory!”

“I didn’t lose anything Knucklehead.” Sonic said sitting up, still rubbing the sore spot. “And what memory loss? I remember everything.”

“Everything as in the past couple days everything? Or everything everything?” Tails asked.

“Everything means everything Tails. We were at Meh Burger Eggman attacked, I got hit.” Sonic explained.

The statement first gave some confusion as a lot had happened since the event he mentioned. It was not hard to conclude that he seemingly didn’t recall his state of amnesia. But the rest of their confusion quickly fell to reassurance as smiles beamed on their faces. “Sonic you’re back!” Amy said as she threw her arms around him, giving words to what everyone was thinking. Soon the rest followed suit in a massive bear hug.

“Geez guys, calm down…Back?” He responded, not going to further argue against the affection he was getting.

…

The group hung around to help clean up the mess from the battle. Luckily there was minor damage so it was an easy task. Tails gathered a lot of components from the StrikeBots that he could use for his own personal products and inventions while Knuckles and Amy were compacting the rest into smaller, more easily manageable pieces to get taken off out of the village center.

“And that should do it!” Amy said, wiping her brow with her forearm. She turned and saw Sonic staring, dropped her expression and turned away. Sonic noticed the droopiness that overcame her and walked over.

“H-hey Ames. So uh, crazy fight huh?”

“Yup. How you feeling?” She asked, a bit down but entirely sincere.

“A massive headache but other than that…” He gave her a weak smile. Amy knew she should be happy he had returned to normal – as she very much was! – but it had seemed like the experiences of the past couple days were gone with the return of his normalcy. So many thoughts and emotions were surging through her. Amnesia Sonic had revealed a lot of feelings toward her. How was she to know whether they were legitimate? Was it all just part of the innocence of being without memory for the short time? Or were those feelings still somewhere suppressed for whatever reason in her old friend?

“Look,” Sonic continued. “I can tell you’re acting a little weird and uh…” He blinked awkwardly as Amy looked away. “I just, um.” He stopped. “Thanks.” He gave as much as a smile as his nervousness would allow.

Amy looked up at him. “What?”

“Thanks for being there through that whole mess. Me being, ‘out of it’ and all.” He explained, revealing he did recall it all – even everything in his state of amnesia. Amy’s cheeks instantly became flushed with all the blood rushing to her head and gave their color a test to her namesake. “I know we’re friends and all but…” Now it was Sonic’s turn to blush heavily. His hand shook as it reached out to grab hers. “Maybe you can show me some more old dusty ruins sometime?” His lips quivered and rested in a squiggled nature in a failed attempt to form a confident smile.

Amy looked away sheepishly and smiled in return. “I– I’d really like that…Good to have to you back.”

[fspgrad]

I wrote the following essay for my business internship final. I did my internship with Kohl’s. However, rather than write about Kohl’s, the instructor instead consented in allowing me to write about what I planned to do with my business degree. It was while writing this essay that my vision for an ex-offender reentry facility/program began to form. While some of the details have changed, the overall plan remains the same. It is to be my life’s work. 

Ex-Offenders: An Untapped Resource of Valuable Human Capital

by Larry Sutton Jr. 

25 July 2017

           Good help is indeed hard to find, and according to the latest predictions, it is going to be even more difficult to find in the years to come. According to a 2017 speech on monetary policy, Janet Yellen, Chair of the Federal Reserve, said there was no conclusive evidence to indicate that the economy is experiencing a labor shortage. However, she also stated, “it is true many employers report difficulties finding qualified workers in selected occupations” (Yellen). Economists for the National Association for Business Economics have been predicting since July of 2015 that post-recession labor markets will continue to tighten as small businesses report few or qualified applicants to fill vacant positions (CNBC). During the recession, when labor markets were weak, unemployment high, and jobs scarce, companies engaged in ‘opportunistic upscaling’ meaning employers could demand higher education and qualifications from applicants. That is no longer the case in a post-recession economy. The U.S. unemployment rate is at a 10-year low of 4.4% with labor markets close to full employment (Mutikani). A reversal is taking place; jobs are now aplenty while labor is becoming scarce. Labor shortages will continue to rise since aging Baby Boomers are retiring and exiting the job market at an estimated rate of 10,000 workers per day (Kessler). The United States is not just experiencing a shortage of skilled laborers, but also a lack of unskilled laborers that are less willing to work because of chronic dependencies on social welfare programs. Many companies are providing on-the-job training programs complaining that too many millennials are graduating from high schools and colleges without any useful skills (Moore). Technological advances help the United States produce more efficiently, but they do not provide the necessary supply of skilled laborers the country needs to produce. In the past, the United States could depend upon a steady influx of foreign workers to supplement the country’s labor needs. However, governmental restrictions and policies on immigration are hindering this practice with fewer work visas being issued. As a result, the United States will be forced to work with what it has to produce the human capital it will need in years to come. An emerging trend will be to fully rehabilitate ex-offenders and successfully integrate them into the nation’s workforce. I know this to be true because as an aspiring entrepreneur, I plan to use my professional knowledge, formal education, and personal experience to create the most successful offender re-entry and prisoner aftercare facilities in the nation thereby changing the way our country currently views the incarcerated.

           There are more than 2.3 million people incarcerated in America’s state and federal prisons, local jails, juvenile detention facilities, Indian Country jails, military prisons, and immigration detention centers (Wagner and Rabuy). Obtaining a definitive total for the number of people imprisoned in America can be difficult and complex since all persons incarcerated have not been convicted of an offense or crime. Many are serving sentences while others are simply awaiting bail, trial, sentencing, or deportation. Furthermore, incarceration totals fail to account for the 820,000 people on parole or the 3.8 million people on probation (Wagner and Rabuy). Incarceration in America has become an epidemic. During the first presidential Democratic debate, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders accurately stated, "Today in America, we have more people in jail than any other country on Earth. It seems to me that instead of building more jails and providing more incarceration, maybe, just maybe, we should be putting money into education and jobs for our kids” (Greenberg). Expanding education and creating more jobs in areas with high rates of crime and incarceration would be a step in the right direction. However, more needs to be done to help the 636,000 individuals released from prisons every year (Wagner and Rabuy). Correctional Institutions are not adequately preparing prisoners for release. Most leave prison without any additional skills or training. Furthermore, ex-offenders are burdened with too many barriers and restrictions upon their release making it difficult for them to integrate back into society.

           Unfortunately, when a prisoner’s sentence ends the punishment continues. Finding a job and securing adequate housing can be challenging and difficult due to the tens of thousands of legal restrictions and limitations imposed upon people released from prison (Laird). Ex-offenders are often disenfranchised and excluded from society because of the collateral consequences associated with having a criminal record. It is not just social bias ex-prisoners face. Many ex-offenders leave prison burdened with steep fines, court costs, and restitution owed. For example, driver’s licenses of ex-offenders are often suspended until all fines are paid; ex-offenders cannot pay the fines without a job; and they cannot obtain a job without any skills or transportation. This is particularly a problem for people on probation or parole. To avoid violating the terms and conditions of their probation or parole which require ex-felons to pay scheduled fines and complete mandatory office visits, many will choose to break the law and drive without a license; this only sets them up for more trouble (Laird). Prisons are full of people convicted for driving on a suspended license. Incarceration is a viscous cycle; without adequate financial and family support, most ex-felons fail to escape from the revolving doors that lead in and out of the American criminal justice system. Within 5 years of being released from prison, 67.8 percent of ex-offenders are re-arrested and returned to prison (National Institute of Justice). This relapse back into criminal behavior is referred to as recidivism. There has been much study in the last decade to find promising solutions that will reduce recidivism. This has resulted in federal funding for research, grants and services for prisoner re-entry programs at select institutions across the country (Task Force for Faith-based & Community Initiatives). 2017 marked the first year of a decline since 1978 in the overall prison population by more than 15,000 inmates (Pew Trusts). Compared to the whole pie, 15,000 inmates are not a dramatic decrease. While even modest gains are a step in the right direction, there is still not enough being done to reduce recidivism to an acceptable level. States are still building prisons instead of closing them, and most of the prison population is not being taught skills that will allow them to earn a livable wage upon their release. It is also worth noting that most of these gains to reduce recidivism occurred during the presidency of Barrack Obama. Criminal justice issues were a key focus of the Obama administration (Gramlich). Former Attorney General Eric Holder enacted proposals to reduce sentences and end automatic mandatory sentencing guidelines for specific types of drug and non-violent offenses (Horwitz). That said, it would be unfair to attribute the slight decline in America’s prison population based solely on the role of prisoner re-entry programs and faith-based initiatives. Based on my own personal experiences with prisoner re-entry programs and having witnessed them firsthand, I give them little credit.

           I spent 16 consecutive years incarcerated in the Florida Department of Corrections. Florida hosts the third largest state prison system in the country operating 149 facilities that house almost 100,000 inmates (FLDOC). During that time, I was detained at 17 different correctional institutions that ranged from minimum and maximum-security institutions to crisis stabilization units, work camps, medical and close-management facilities, and reception centers. Unlike a majority of the inmate population, I entered prison with a high school education and some professional job skills. This allowed me to secure some of the better job assignments. I worked several years in the education department tutoring inmates in Adult Basic Education and GED classes earning a LVA (Literacy Volunteers of Greater Augusta) certification. The most valuable experience I received while incarcerated came while working outside of the prison—I had a gate pass—for a self-funded, not-for-profit organization called PRIDE Enterprises (Prison Rehabilitative Industries and Diversified Enterprises). PRIDE operates over 25 different industries throughout the state of Florida ranging from lumber mills, metal tag plants, dental and optical laboratories to furniture and garment factories. Working in the offices of PRIDE honed my administrative skills while teaching me inventory management, operations, and production. Despite the mental, physical, and sexual abuse I suffered while incarcerated, I still managed to thrive in an environment that offers little to spur personal growth or professional improvement. I was self-motivated and determined to make the most of my sentence by learning as much as I could. I did not come from a broken home or an impoverished neighborhood like so many of the men I was locked-up with. Going to prison was not some rite of passage that for decades has become second nature, even expected, among minorities and certain segments of the U.S. population. Often, new inmates would arrive on the prison compound hundreds of miles from where they were from, and they would be greeted by multitudes of people they knew from their neighborhood including family members. This is significant because it should not be this way. Not once did I encounter someone I knew prior to my incarceration. It is rare for me to walk into my neighborhood Walmart and see anyone I know. The demographic make-up of the country’s prison population further illustrates the desperate need for extensive social reform in America. Perhaps the most important thing I learned while in prison was empathy. It is heartbreaking to be surrounded by so many talented men that will never get the opportunity to make their contribution to society simply because they were never taught basic life skills. Reforming America’s prison population is in everyone’s best interest.

           Prisons are expensive to run, and there are limitations to the number of budget cuts federal and state governments can impose on prison spending without eliminating the bare necessities people need to survive: food, shelter, clothing, and medical. California, home of the country’s largest inmate population, spends an annual estimated $75,560 per inmate (Associated Press). The cost of attending one year at Harvard is $64,400; this includes tuition, room and board, books, supplies, and other fees (College Simply). Whenever I meet people from abroad, they are always amazed to learn that the United States does not offer every citizen a free college education. Taxpayer dollars could be better spent on education instead of prisons. While prisoner re-entry programs are a start, they do not accomplish enough. As previously mentioned, I have seen and experienced the state-run, federally funded, government mandated programs currently being operated within the department of corrections. The programs do not go far enough to prepare prisoners for re-entry into society. One major problem is the conflict of interest that exists with state correctional institutions that are charged with facilitating the programs. Rehabilitating inmates and reducing the prison population is not in their best interests. Prisons are the main source of jobs that fuel the economy for many small towns across America. The loss of prisons means a loss of jobs. The prison programs I experienced did only enough to fulfill federal guidelines. In most instances, the civilian instructors hired to teach educational and vocational programs were neither professionals in the field nor certified to teach. Most were simply the relative of someone working at the prison who needed a job. Generally, inmate tutors with the aid of videos and textbooks taught the courses while civilian employees served as supplemental correctional staff. Their responsibilities were to take roll, write passes, unlock materials from cabinets, and enforce institutional rules and procedures. The misappropriation of funds was something I witnessed on several occasions. I recall one vocational course in particular; it was a culinary class that was supposed to prepare and certify inmates to work in the restaurant and hospitality field. A make-shift classroom was set-up and an actual chef hired to teach the course. However, instead of learning how to prepare and cook meals with actual food and ingredients, they were given only water to work with. Participants in the course were later assigned to work in the prison’s kitchen which is deemed one of the worst jobs and a form of punishment by most inmates in the Florida Department of Corrections. This deterred others from signing up for the culinary class. I lost track of the number of correctional staff that were fired or arrested for the embezzlement of state funds or other serious acts of unethical behavior during my time of incarceration. State Correctional Agencies are not the only ones set to lose by reducing the nation’s prison population.

           The privatization of America’s prisons and immigration centers has become a huge and profitable industry. Corrections Corporation of America (CCA) and the Geo Group are both publicly traded companies interested in the continued growth of mass incarceration; from 1999-2010, CCA spent a yearly average of $1.4 million lobbying federal and state officials to support the expansion of prisons and detention centers while heavily donating to political campaigns that opposed a bill to outlaw the privatization of prisons (Margulies). It was initially believed that the private sector could do a better and more efficient job of operating prisons. However, because of negligent practices, private-prison companies came under heavy scrutiny during the Obama administration with the Justice Department announcing plans to end the practice (Surowiecki). The election of Donald Trump has since scrapped those plans. President Trump believes in privatizing schools and prisons. His stance on immigration is predicted to fill detention centers many of which are operated by the private sector (Surowiecki). In contrast to Attorney General Eric Holder who believes fewer people should be sent to prison for shorter periods, President Trump believes the criminal justice system should award tougher sentences to serve as a deterrent to committing crimes (Margulies). With so much opposition against prison reform, it is easy to become discouraged. While I believe that prisoner re-entry programs are not as effective as they could be, I hope the federal government will continue to fund them. To achieve real success with prison reform, more resources need to be devoted to prisoner after-care programs and services. Ex-offenders need the most help after they leave prison. I was released from prison at 12:01 a.m. on November 19, 2015. Prison officials dropped me at the bus station with no money and an outdated resource list. Most of the places listed were either homeless shelters or halfway houses. Many of the places I called were no longer around. The Department of Family Services awarded me $16 per/month in food stamps which could not be used on hygiene products or clothing. Fortunately, I had a place to live and some family support. Finding a job with a criminal record was extremely difficult. While companies may not have an official policy against hiring ex-felons, most have an unofficial policy against doing so. My faith and trust in God is all that kept me from sticking a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. I knew I had to do something to counter having a criminal record, so two months later, I was sitting in a college classroom enrolled in the business management degree program at Jefferson College. Even though I had worked on computers while in prison, I had never seen the Internet or used a smartphone. Necessity has forced me to blindly fumble my way through today’s technologies. Two years after my release, I will have earned an Associate’s of Applied Science degree in business management. I have maintained a 4.0 GPA earning me placement on the Dean’s List, and I have been inducted into The National Honor Society. I am unashamed to say that it was during my coursework that God gave me the inspiration and vision to start an offender after-care program. My business courses have taught me that to create a successful business, you must first identify a need and then decide how to best fulfill that need. The United States needs a supply of skilled workers. Ex-prisoners can fill that need. Furthermore, rehabilitating former prisoners and integrating them into society provides a public good.

           Prisoners are not lazy; most of them never held a job until they came to prison. They are the result of single-parent households in impoverished neighborhoods with lousy school systems that failed to teach early childhood development. Authority figures and positive role-models were absent from their lives, so they never learned basic life skills. The streets were their teacher in a society the places more value on material wealth than on personal values or principles. Their climb up the pyramid of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs never surpassed beyond fulfilling their basic physiological needs; to achieve success in life, self-actualization must occur (McLeod). This is almost impossible to achieve while incarcerated. In prison, inmates are identified by a number rather than a name—a number they recite half dozen times a day for security roll calls. Everyone is dressed the same in an environment devoid of all stimuli. Everything is painted in institutional greys, whites, and blues. The only vivid colors present belong to the shiny wrappers on the products sold in the prison inmate canteen. Wildlife and vegetation are absent on most prison compounds. Seeing a bird or squirrel often provides a special thrill. Prisons are massive human warehouses offering few distractions. Incarceration wipes away all vestiges of an individual’s identity making prisoners ideal subjects for rehabilitation. Ex-offenders re-enter society as blank slates in desperate need of programming. They must relearn their likes, tastes, and desires. These things must be properly introduced and nurtured in a positive manner. The streets can no longer be their teacher. To be successful, an offender re-entry program must be immersive, aggressive and innovative.

           The program I envision picks ex-offenders up at the prison gates and brings them straight to the program. They are released from one controlled environment into another. The biggest difference being they are now residents rather than detainees. They can leave anytime they want. The key is to provide a safe and comfortable place; an environment they will not want to flee from. That is the problem with the current models for prisoner after-care programs; they are housed in places almost as dismal as prison. Society’s views that ex-felons must be given some resources but deserve only the minimum amount must end. The wealthy are provided with places akin to resorts while being treated for alcohol and drug addictions. Ex-offenders have repaid their debt to society. The punishment is over, and it must feel that way. Most ex-offenders already possess an instinct for business that can be capitalized upon. Paying jobs are scarce in prison, and many inmates receive little or no money from family and friends. Prisoners hustle to survive. They make beds or do laundry for other inmates; they run Fantasy Football leagues and betting pools, they operate their own canteens making loans and charging interest; they design, draw, and sell greeting cards; and they smuggle contraband of all types to fulfill the populations’ many vices. The currency for this competitive prison economy is usually canteen items in lieu of cash. Interestingly, most ex-offenders already have an entrepreneurial drive. Many were drug dealers prior to their incarceration. They have dealt with customers and suppliers while managing product and inventory. The program will enroll residents in college degree and certificate programs. The goal is to transform ex-offenders into professional business persons and entrepreneurs capable of operating law-abiding enterprises. In a world where ethics are increasingly becoming more of a concern, ex-prisoners understand the harsh consequences of unethical behavior. Former prisoners crave respect, and they know the value of honesty and integrity. Program residents will do more than achieve; they will excel.

          Most importantly, the program is faith-based and Christ-centered. The practical application of Biblical principles has been proven to effectively transform lives. It is impossible to help everyone. Therefore, this program is only for those who have chosen Christian living, and it will be limited to Christian ex-offenders. Furthermore, it would not be advisable in this instance to mix believers with nonbelievers. Residents will engage in daily Bible studies and participate in discipleship programs. All residents will be provided guidance by carefully vetted Christian mentors provided by local churches. This program is a brotherhood designed to fully integrate former prisoners back into the community. Therefore, program residents will be required to participate in volunteerism. That is what actively engaged citizens do. I also believe this program needs to be self-funding rather than rely on government grants and charitable donations. In times of recession, funds are cut and pockets become shallow. To achieve this objective, the program will own and operate several small businesses such as residential and commercial landscape design services, food concessions and catering, vending machine supply, refurbishing and restoring antiques, etc. The possibilities are endless. This will give residents the opportunity to run a business while simultaneously earning an income. The program will also pay all residents’ court fines and restitution. This is very much like the model used by PRIDE Enterprises.

          I have embarked on a journey with still a long way to travel. The hardships, deprivation, and isolation of prison toughened me up; it gave me unique insight and put iron in my soul. I believe this program is the God-given plan for my life, and I feel confident it will succeed. There is no one more suited or qualified to run an offender re-entry program. A business management degree is only a start. I also plan to earn a bachelor’s degree in accounting. Not only will this give me the additional skills needed, but it will also boost my credibility among the detractors I am sure to encounter along the way. Furthermore, if I am to teach others how to successfully transform their post-prison lives, then I must lead by example. I am attempting to set the bar as high as possible. The success of the program will undoubtedly be judged by the first group of men to complete it. That is why it is imperative to get it right from the start. I believe the program’s success will certify me as an authority on prison reform. My vision is not only to reform ex-offenders and create a business model for others to imitate. I hope to start a trend that will facilitate closing a third of the nation’s prisons. As I was leaving Florida State Prison, I told officials I would be the most successful inmate ever to leave the Florida Department of Corrections. Success is not measured by an individual’s wealth or material possessions. No one is ever commended for dying rich. True success is the achievement of difficult goals and the positive impact a person leaves on society. Incarceration need not be the end. Nelson Mandela spent 30 years in prison and later became president of a nation. He rightly said, “Difficulties make some men, break others”. An ancient proverb most memorably paraphrased by Anne Isabella Thackeray Ritchie says, “Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish, and you feed him for life.” God redeemed me for this purpose. Jesus told His disciples, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men” (NKJV, Matt 4:19). As a Christian, I believe in the solemn promises of God. There is nothing more noble, satisfying and commendable than living one’s life to serve the greater good of others.

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Moore, Stephen. THE GREAT WORKER SHORTAGE. 31 March 2015. Website. 25 July 2017. <http://www.forbes.com/site/stevemoore/2015/03/31/not-hard-at-work-hardly-working/2/#183b1beb6109>.

Mutikani, Lucia. "U.S. ECONOMIC OUTLOOK BRIGHTENS AS JOB MARKET TIGHTENS." Reuters (2017). Website. 25 July 2017. <http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-economy-unemployment-idUSKCN18E1OV>.

Pew Trusts. The Pew Charitable Trusts: Research & Analysis. 17 September 2015. Website. 29 July 2017. <http://www.pewtrusts.org/en/research-and-analysis/analysis/2015/09/17/state-federal-prison-populations-decline-simultaneously-for-first-time-in-36-years>.

Surowiecki, James. "TRUMP SETS PRIVATE PRISONS FREE." The New Yorker 5 December 2016: The Financial Page. Website. 25 July 2017. <http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/12/05/trump-sets-private-prisons-free>.

Task Force for Faith-based & Community Initiatives. "Federal Funding & Services for Prisoner Reentry." 25 April 2008. U.S. Deparment of Justice Office of the Deputy Attorney General. Website. 28 July 2017. <https://www.justice.gov/archive/fbci/docs/fed-prisoner-reentry-resources.pdf>.

The Holy Bible, New King James Version. Oxford University Press, 2002.

Thompson, Don. "A YEAR IN A CALIFORNIA PRISON COST MORE THAN A YEAR AT HARVARD." Associated Press. U.S. News & World Report, 5 June 2017. Website. 25 July 2017. <http://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/new-york/articles/2017-06-05/correction-california-prisons-costs-story>.

U.S. Deparment of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, National Institute of Justice. "RECIDIVISM." 2017. Website. 25 July 2017. <http://www.nij.gov/topics/corrections/recidivism/Pages/welcome.aspx>.

U.S. Department of Education National Center for Education Statistics. Harvard Tuition & Cost Guide. 2017. Website. 25 July 2017. <http://www.collegesimply.com/colleges/massachusetts/harvard-university/price>.

Wagner, Peter and Bernadette Rabuy. "MASS INCARCERATION: THE WHOLE PIE 2016." 2016. Website. 25 July 2017. <http://www.prisonpolicy.org/reports/pie2016.html>.

Yellen, Janet L. "THE ECONOMIC OUTLOOK AND THE CONDUCT OF MONETARY POLICY." Speech. Stanford University Institute for Economic Policy Research. Standford: Federal Reserve, 19 January 2017. Website. 25 July 2017. <http://www.federalreserve.gov/newsevents/speech/yellen20170119a.html>.

[eponymous-rose]

There's been some interesting talk about character alignments in the tag and I was wondering what you thought?

Oh gosh, it was neat to see that discussion! Keeping in mind that the whole idea of character alignments is intended to be a loose descriptor to aid with character-building (especially in 5e, where many of the alignment-based restrictions in gameplay from earlier editions have been peeled away) and can be extremely limiting and actively get in the way of a super RP-heavy game, and that this is just me goofin’ and isn’t intended to reflect the truth of the characters or whatever, here are my thoughts!

Look, I gotta start with Grog. Grog’s officially chaotic neutral, but I think an argument could be made that he’s been making a slow turn toward chaotic good since the Westruun arc–which shouldn’t be too surprising, since his entire character arc hinges on the one moment in which he sacrificed himself to protect an innocent. He definitely embodies chaos (Travis has talked about how Grog is just him with absolutely no filter, and he frequently does the first thing that pops into his head), but the underlying motivations behind what he does are generally based on the notion of protecting others, even if he doesn’t know them well, and even if it means he might fall in the process. There’s not a whole lot of pragmatism with Grog, is what I’m saying, and more and more often he’s been the one jumping into something because it’s gonna be a super fun bloodbath… and grudgingly admitting that it’s also just maybe the right thing to do. He might not be there yet–when he does the right thing, it’s often for the wrong reasons–but it seems to me that he’s certainly carving his way in that general direction.

Scanlan is a really prime example of chaotic good, which is his official alignment. He generally is working to do good things, but his priorities are also more aligned with protecting those closest to them than with any nebulous idea of “good for good’s own sake” (killing an innocent in order to keep from hurting Vax, backing away from an injured Pike in order to keep his promise to Kaylie). He’ll do bad things, sometimes, to protect the people he cares about most. And here’s one way the alignment chart kind of falls down: it generally treats self-sacrifice as a purely altruistic act pushing someone closer to the good side of the axis, but Scanlan’s avoiding self-sacrifice is arguably more “good” than the alternative.

I think it makes sense for Vex to have returned to chaotic good–I’ve argued in the past that a lot of the conflict that led up to her chaotic neutral shift was because she as a character hadn’t had a chance yet to push into Act II of her character development. Although Laura has from the very beginning talked about how Vex’s “greed” is a direct result of her poverty and frustration growing up, early in the show her haggling was still being done more for laughs than for any sort of deep character reason (kind of like Pike’s occasional moments of brutality early on), which really embodied the “good and evil are secondary to my concerns” attitude of chaotic neutral. Matt tends to use things like alignment shifts (or, in Pike’s case, a shattered holy symbol) as a reminder to the player that gags taken too far will actually shift their character, just to keep everyone on the same page emotionally and to make sure everyone’s taking the same parts of the game seriously. Now that Vex has finally been able to take the spotlight with the Feywild arc and get some solid character development, it seems completely natural that she’d shift back to chaotic good; fundamentally, her character’s always been about doing right in the world, even if her methods are sometimes a little bit unorthodox, and even if her personal traumas sometimes keep her from being able to act on those good intentions.

Keyleth’s a really interesting case, because on the one hand she’s generally the one (along with Vax) reining the group in from their more bloodthirsty impulses, but on the other, she’s aggressively suspicious and mistrusting of authority. For that reason, I think it’s bang-on that she’s neutral good as opposed to chaotic or lawful. The entire situation with Raishan is why I think alignment charts are so limiting: her vows for revenge and willingness to sacrifice herself (and possibly even allies) if necessary aren’t quite in keeping with neutral good on paper, but it’s painfully obvious that there’s a good in-character reason for that attitude, and it seems really goofy to try and put an alignment shift on that when she’s making the effort to seek counsel (from Grog of all people!) about how to keep her rage in check. Neutral good seems about right, with a possible meander towards chaotic good lately.

Vax, I think, is starting to veer more into lawful good territory than his official chaotic good alignment. He’s begun following an extremely strict self-imposed code that does prioritize his found family, but in a very codified sort of way. He sees himself as an instrument, a weapon, to be wielded by his sister, by Keyleth, and by the Raven Queen, in more-or-less that order. After each major battle since episode 44, whenever time has permitted, he’s made a point of tending to the dead, because while the Raven Queen may only reign over the moment of their passing, her followers (like the Bastions in Vasselheim) have been shown to feel a certain responsibility towards the earthly remains. There’s still a clear break between Vax-the-rogue and Vax-the-paladin, however, in that Vax spent his entire early life pushing back against anything organized or restrictive and has always valued personal freedom. A lot of his character’s conflict comes from that forced see-sawing between lawful and chaotic depending on the gravity of the situation and the weights other people (or deities) have placed on either end of that see-saw.

I’m one of the folks who’s vaguely astounded that Percy’s official alignment is neutral good. To be fair, I think it’s valid to base someone’s alignment on what they desperately want to be, and Percy, if he were to honestly fill out a character sheet for “where I want to see myself in five years”, would absolutely mark “neutral good”. But he gets distracted from his pursuit of goodness very, very, very easily. I’m not talking about the corruption during the Whitestone arc, I’m not talking No Mercy Percy, I’m talking about all the little things Percy does, the “I’ve had a terrible thought”s, handing Grog Craven Edge, stabbing Raishan. Taliesin has talked a lot about how he enjoys playing characters who appear to have one alignment and actually follow another, and has said repeatedly that Percy is convinced he’s the only adult in the room, which leads on occasion to a strange sort of self-loathing confidence; he has terrible thoughts and recognizes them as such, but he’s also fully convinced they’re correct and even justified, which is so interesting. His willingness to experiment because “it’ll be funny”, and his fascination with the darker side of his own nature (which has been held back a bit lately for obvious reasons), I think, pushes him into neutral territory despite his best efforts. His love of lawful order is difficult to gauge, because so much of the words he says about nobility and tradition have a certain amount of self-effacing mockery to them. I think it could be argued that Taliesin’s playing him as a chaotic neutral character who usually (but not always) remembers that he’s trying to be neutral good and sometimes goes lawful out of long-forgotten reflex.

This is already super long, and Pike hasn’t had nearly the level of character development of the others lately, so I’ll just say that I think her official alignment of chaotic good is so, so, so right for her. Sarenrae is neutral good, but Pike has been through a lot, and her influence on Grog hasn’t been entirely one-way.

[insurancepolicypro]

What New Mother and father Must Know About Life Insurance coverage

Changing into a mother or father is among the most wonderful – and terrifying – experiences an individual can have. One minute, you’re an unbiased grownup who’s fastidiously planning their future (and sleeping previous 6 a.m.). The subsequent minute, you’re bringing your new bundle of pleasure house and questioning, “How am I going to maintain this tiny, lovable human that’s fully relying on me alive?”

It’s scary for certain, however you even have a lot to stay up for. Having a toddler provides which means to your life in methods you’d by no means count on. When your child cries, you be taught the best option to maintain them and calm their fears. And when your child accomplishes a brand new feat – even one thing so simple as rolling over – you get to have fun proper together with them.

In fact, turning into a mother or father isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Along with the enjoyable instances, there are many actual obligations to care for, too. In any case, your child gained’t keep small perpetually. At some point, she or he will go to grade faculty, play sports activities, and make mates. And earlier than you understand it, they’ll fly the coop to attend faculty and construct a lifetime of their very own.

Till that day comes, it’s as much as you to make the best selections so you possibly can present for your loved ones. Even when which means planning for easy methods to shield them financially within the occasion you had been not round. Right here’s what you must learn about life insurance coverage for brand new dad and mom.

Shopping for life insurance coverage as a brand new mother or father

Whereas shopping for life insurance coverage may really feel overwhelming, it’s actually not. Or, not less than, it doesn’t must be overwhelming. The method has seen some fairly important enhancements and streamlining lately. For instance, with Haven Life, you may fill out an software fully on-line in minutes and obtain an immediate choice on time period life insurance coverage protection. Some certified, wholesome candidates as much as the age of 45 might be able to skip the medical examination fully via our InstantTerm course of.

This could come as very welcome information to oldsters, who by nature are busy (placing it mildly). Eradicating the ready and confusion from life insurance coverage means you now have even fewer causes to place off buying a really needed product.

However earlier than you make the leap on a coverage of your personal, there are particular issues you must take into account when deciding on a correct life insurance coverage protection quantity.

Youngsters are costly to boost

The prices of elevating one little one to 18 years outdated for a middle-income household is $233,610, in response to estimates by the U.S. Division of Agriculture. This quantity considers fundamentals like housing, meals, training, and daycare, together with the truth that child-rearing bills are inclined to rise with age. Be mindful, that quantity can range drastically relying on the place you reside and the way frugal or not your life-style is.

Ask your self this easy query: may your partner or associate deal with all the child-related bills in case you had been immediately gone tomorrow? For most individuals, the reply isn’t any.

That is the place life insurance coverage protection turns into so necessary. It could assist guarantee your associate can financially look after the youngsters in case you had been not round. In change to your month-to-month premiums for a time period life insurance coverage coverage, the life insurance coverage firm pays out a dying profit (within the quantity of the life insurance coverage protection you bought) that your beneficiary or beneficiaries can use to assist cowl their bills.

However peace of thoughts is maybe crucial intangible profit related to buying a life insurance coverage coverage. It offers you the reassurance that you just’re forsaking monetary safety to your family members. The beneficiary (or beneficiaries) can use the coverage’s dying profit to assist pay for funeral prices, meet day-to-day residing bills or plan for the long run.

In fact, calculating all of the bills related to elevating youngsters to find out how a lot time period life insurance coverage protection you want could be difficult. You need to use a life insurance coverage calculator that will help you type via all the prices related to your loved ones’s future to offer you an estimate of ample protection.

Don’t neglect about faculty

We already talked about how costly elevating a toddler to the age of 18 could be. However, the day by day prices of meals and shelter don’t all the time finish when your little one leaves highschool.

When you plan to pay to your little one’s increased training, then you must think about the price of faculty while you purchase life insurance coverage. (The aforementioned life insurance coverage calculator does this, too, by the best way.)

For the 2018-2019 faculty yr, common tuition, charges, room and board at a public, in-state college was $21,370, in response to the Faculty Board. At a personal, non-profit faculty, common tuition, charges, room and board labored out to $48,510 per yr. Over the previous decade, faculty prices have risen sooner than the speed of inflation.

With sufficient life insurance coverage protection, you may assist your children pay tuition and keep away from the stifling ranges of pupil debt so lots of right this moment’s younger adults face.

Keep-at-home dad and mom are very precious

Many assume a life insurance coverage coverage for a stay-at-home-parent isn’t wanted as a result of they don’t earn a “wage.” This isn’t the case.

Keep-at-home mothers and dads could not usher in a paycheck, however take into account all they do for the family. Most stay-at-home dad and mom shuttle children round, cook dinner and clear, assist children with homework, do laundry and dishes, and make most meals for the household – and that’s simply the naked minimal.

When you add up a stay-at-home mother or father’s obligations, they might make about $162,581 for the 92 hours of labor they do every week, in response to an annual survey from Wage.com.

It’s crucial that you just take into account how/if the surviving partner may afford to take care of all of that work. Typically, which means paying for daycare and family assist. Whereas dad and mom are irreplaceable, the proceeds of a life insurance coverage coverage can be utilized to assist bridge the monetary hole and pay for such a assist.

Employer-provided life insurance coverage normally isn’t sufficient

Employer-provided life insurance coverage, generally known as group life insurance coverage, is a good work perk. Nevertheless, it could possibly go away dad and mom underinsured and doubtlessly with out protection after they change jobs.

Most employer-provided insurance policies solely provide protection that’s 1 or 2 instances your annual wage. You may normally buy extra protection in order for you, but it surely’s at a “group price.” This implies you usually don’t profit from the charges you’d get as a younger, wholesome new mother or father such as you would with a person life insurance coverage coverage.

Moreover, life insurance coverage ought to go the place you go. Many employer-provided insurance policies aren’t moveable, and if in case you have that possibility, it’ll value you extra.

Your finest wager is to get a person life insurance coverage coverage whilst you’re younger and wholesome. Many individuals begin by contemplating life insurance coverage protection of 5 to 10 instances their annual revenue.Revisit your life insurance coverage as your life-style adjustments.

As a brand new mother or father, there should be many unknowns in your future and total incomes potential and bills. Maybe you’re simply getting began in a brand new profession – or possibly you intend to move again to highschool to earn a complicated diploma. Possibly you’re renting a house however plan to purchase quickly.

How will you inform how a lot life insurance coverage you require when your revenue and circumstances are certain to vary?

Right here’s one thing to recollect: shopping for life insurance coverage isn’t one thing you’re locked into doing simply as soon as. Keep in mind to revisit your life insurance coverage wants as your life-style adjustments and your loved ones grows.

Take into account that, in the case of life insurance coverage, one thing is certainly higher than nothing. Nevertheless, a coverage with a ample time period size and protection quantity might help guarantee sufficient monetary safety.

Life insurance coverage prices lower than you assume

With the value tag for youngsters climbing annually, chances are you’ll imagine that you may’t afford life insurance coverage protection. Assume once more. Throughout the board, time period life insurance coverage insurance policies are much more inexpensive than most individuals understand. And in case you purchase whilst you’re younger and wholesome, you possibly can lock in a low price. For instance, a 30-year-old girl in glorious well being may get a 30-year, $500,000 Haven Time period coverage, issued by MassMutual, beginning at $30.23 per 30 days.

As a part of your monetary backup plan, time period life insurance coverage is among the most budget-friendly choices. For the value of a single meal out every month, you possibly can doubtlessly shield your loved ones with a whole lot of 1000’s of in protection.

Decide how a lot protection you want

Life insurance coverage is a really private product, and thus, each household wants a distinct and certain quantity. Elements like your well being, wage, money owed, and residing bills influence how a lot insurance coverage is best for you. A web based life insurance coverage calculator might help you confidently (and shortly) determine how a lot protection you want. No guesswork or air math required.

As a mother or father, you understand all in regards to the sudden. You take care of it each day (and typically in the midst of the night time).

Time period life insurance coverage affords peace of thoughts in understanding that your family members are financially protected. Now there’s one thing large you possibly can test off that seemingly infinite to-do record.

Haven Time period is a Time period Life Insurance coverage Coverage (DTC 042017 [OK1] and ICC17DTC in sure states, together with NC) issued by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance coverage Firm (MassMutual), Springfield, MA 01111-0001 and provided solely via Haven Life Insurance coverage Company, LLC. Coverage and rider kind numbers and options could range by state and is probably not obtainable in all states. In NY, Haven Time period is DTC-NY 1017. In CA, Haven Time period is DTC-CA 042017. Our Company license quantity in California is OK71922 and in Arkansas, 100139527.

from insurancepolicypro http://insurancepolicypro.com/?p=563

[conners-clinic]

“Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”

Mother Teresa

You Need to Ask Why

It is truly the small things that move the masses. When we begin a discussion of our immune system, it is the small things, the chemicals that form the slurries of our defense system that eventually influence much happening in our body.

If you learn anything from this book may it be to stimulate you to ask one simple question – “why?” Most people, after the devastation of the cancer diagnosis settles in, just accept the fact that they have a grave disease and follow the doctor’s orders as to the next step.  They may hear a, “We just don’t know” or “It’s probably genetic” if they are so bold to ask such questions of why to their oncologist. Most don’t feel qualified to dig for themselves and simply follow in blind faith that what is recommended. I beg you to be different!

I come from the philosophy that an effect always has a cause. If something is set in motion, there existed an initial stimulus that propelled it. Cancer, though scary and often deadly, seems to numb most people into a fearful obedience to the culturally accepted treatment plan. After all, it is only human to want someone else to remove the responsibility from us regarding any painful situation. Cancer is serious; cancer isn’t to be played with; I need to go to a “real” doctor.  I am not asking you to trust me or anything in this book; I am asking you to NOT check your brain at the door of the hospital and to demand answers from your doctors or those who will help you through this journey.

The quality of your experience as well as your outcome depends on the quality of the questions you ask.  You have the right to receive logical answers; keep asking why. Don’t stop asking and don’t accept any treatment that isn’t logically treating the answers to your constant questions of, “Why?” When we see a person that has a diagnosis of cancer of any name, the goal really is to discover the cause or the reason why the body has allowed or responded in such a way. Is it logical to believe that, though medical intervention may be best to slow a fast growing cancer, finding and correcting the cause would be the best approach to treating any dysfunction?

Cancer and the Immune System

In this chapter I will explain the connection between cancer and the immune system as simple as I know how.  You’ll see that if you don’t support and modulate your immune system you will NEVER improve your physiology and the cancer will simply progress.

Some highlight points to know about your immune system:

Your immune system does one thing and only one thing – it KILLS things.

Your immune system may be separated into two responses – Th1 and Th2 (simplistically, there are more but we’ll leave it at that for now)

Your immune system is supposed to only ‘turn on’ against bio-toxins (living organisms like bacteria, virus, parasites…that is, things that it can kill)

The Th1 response is the immediate, killer cell response (think of it as the Marine Corps) against the enemy and is the primary killer of antigens and cancer cells.  What it ‘turns on’ against is called an antigen in the immune response.

The Th2 response is sent out secondarily and is mainly responsible for making antibodies against the antigen that the Th1 system ‘turned on’ against.  The antibodies ‘tag’ that antigens and the Th1 system can then kill it.

Your immune system assists in the cleaning up of old cells necessary for cancer to NOT develop in the first place.  This is primarily a Th1 function.

Both Th1 and Th2 responses are named such because they carry a slurry of different chemicals (chemokines and cytokines) that make up such a response.

What is an Autoimmune Disorder?

An AUTOIMMUNE disorder happens when your immune system starts attacking self-tissue. Really, an autoimmune disease develops because your immune system has turned-on against something IT FOUND lodged in self tissue and now is destroying self-tissue as well.  Let’s expand that a little more so you can fully understand it: If my immune system fires a response against a flu virus I just picked up and it’s a particularly virulent virus, a strong Th1 response is released in an attempt to kill the foreign invader and bring me back to health.  My “strong Th1 response” is really a collection of different cells that are looking for a battle; they are seeking an enemy with guns loaded. Let’s say they find the flu virus and recognize that it is the enemy they were commissioned to kill, they attack it, kill it and then retreat in victory.  The Th1/Th2 system goes back into balance and life is good.

An autoimmune disease begins when, for a multitude of reasons we won’t breach here, stray cytokines from a Th1 response didn’t recognize the flu virus as the enemy but recognized something that they were never supposed to recognize as an enemy – let’s say a heavy metal toxicity in my thyroid.  Because I was exposed to a great amount of mercury from amalgams, vaccinations, and just living in a toxic world, mercury had lodge in the fat cells surrounding my thyroid and other tissues. My liver, unable to clear out that which I was exposed to caused my system to shunt the toxicity to fat storage cells for safe keeping.  Never was my immune system supposed to ‘turn-on’ against such chemical toxicity!

Is my immune system ever going to be able to kill mercury?  Of course not; mercury is an element on the periodic table, not a living organism.  If my immune system inadvertently turns-on against something that cannot or will not die, there will be a lot of collateral damage and I might even begin to start making antibodies against the tissues surrounding the attack.  This is an autoimmune disease; it isn’t really a disease at all, it is an immune attack on self-tissue because my immune system is firing against something it never should of fired against! Remember, when the immune system turns-on against something, it does so until it achieves victory, until it kills it.

Summary:  An autoimmune disease is when my immune system is firing against something (either constant Th1 dominant or constant Th2 dominant) that it found lodged in self-tissue that either cannot or will not die and is destroying self-tissue in the process.

So, what is the CAUSE of an autoimmune attack?  It is not really an “immune system gone wrong” as it is an immune system thinking it is doing “right” but firing against something that it can never kill.  The only way to ultimately correct an autoimmune disorder is to remove the antigen it is making war against. This way you are essentially fooling your immune system to think that it has won and the enemy is dead. In the case of autoimmune disease against a specific organ like Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism, there is little help in direct organ support without correcting the cause.  The mechanism for the issue is the immune response in the first place and not that the organ is deficient in any type of nutrient; the reason the person may need hormone replacement (such as Synthyroid) in hypothyroidism is because the immune system is actually destroying the cells, but replacement without halting the destruction is missing the point.

What does this all have to do with cancer? Everything! Remember, your Th1 response not only kills foreign enemies but helps mop up cells that are supposed to die when they’ve served out there usefulness. Cancer may be defined as cells NOT dying but instead reproducing a useless cell again and again.  If a person has a Th2 dominant autoimmune disorder, their Th1 system will be suppressed. If your Th1 system is suppressed, normal cell death will be hindered.

When we look at a person that is not well, one of the first questions needs to be, “what’s the mechanism”.  With cancer it’s no different. Why did you get cancer? Could it be that you’ve had a Th2 dominant autoimmune disorder for years and never even knew it?

Usually people with an autoimmune disease that involves a lot of destruction and therefore a lot of symptoms has a Th1 dominant disorder, that is, the immune response is stuck in a Th1 (killer cell, Marine Corps) attack.  This typically brings about much tissue damage, much inflammation and a greater number of symptoms that causes them to seek medical care and arrive at a diagnosis. They eventually know they have MS, RA, Hashimoto’s, etc.

But the same process that may leave an individual ‘stuck’ in a Th2 dominant situation often produces a slower attack on tissue, lesser symptoms, a suppressed Th1 response and a chronic, undiagnosed condition.  This can lead to secondary conditions from a suppressed Th1 response – cancer!

Neither the standard medical nor an alternative healthcare has adequately dealt with autoimmune conditions.  Medically, the patient is given steroids, anti-inflammatories that may relieve the symptoms but do nothing to remove the cause; alternative doctors have supported to organ with glandulars or other supplements. Let’s face it, if either traditional medical or the alternative models had any great percentage of success treating autoimmune disease, you wouldn’t be reading this book because you probably wouldn’t have cancer.

Let’s reason together:  Is it “reasonable” to think that if the part of my immune system responsible for aiding in normal cell death is suppressed, cell replication may proceed? Is it “reasonable” to think that maybe I should be checked for Th2 dominance? Is it “reasonable” that failure to discover the cause of immune dysregulation would lead to further destruction?  I think it is “reasonable” that someone ‘out there’ must be able to find out what was causing the dysregulation; and I think that it is “reasonable” that if whatever was at cause for such dysregulation could be evaded, then it is “reasonable” that the damage suffered would at least slow down.

It is important to understand that an autoimmune disease is a ‘state’ that the immune system is in.  It is NOT a disease of an organ; and even though it is given a multitude of names depending on the tissue currently affected, it is a STATE of the immune system attacking the tissue it was meant to protect.

Usually the immune system is slowly attacking the tissue over several years.  And then, the person eventually has a great enough destruction that brings about symptoms that lead them to seek some type of doctor.  In the case of Hashimoto’s, they often get diagnosed with hypothyroidism because their TSH is high. And then, the TSH is managed by replacement but no management for the immune response is initiated because it was never assessed.  In the case of other autoimmune disorders, the patient is often misdiagnosed for years, even decades; and they are left laden with multitudes of drugs attempting to suppress their symptoms.

The autoimmune response is an inflammatory response, which produces chemicals called cytokines, which are part of the body’s natural defense system against outside invaders. Remember, the body’s immune system may be separated into a Th1 and a Th2 response.  The Th1 response may be thought of as the police force or Marine Corps, the body’s initial strike force against an invader or what is called an antigen. When an antigen is present, the Th1 system fires and kills the virus; should the bug be of a nasty persuasion and strong enough to resist the Th1 response, the Th2 system kicks in, creates antibodies against the virus, tagging them so appropriate white blood cells can finish them off.  A person with an autoimmune disease has this process stuck in the ‘on’ position, either hyper-Th1 or hyper-Th2, which prolonged, destroys the tissue where the antigen is recognized.

Hence, both the traditional medical and the traditional alternative models of care are doomed to failure. The most important battle to fight is to calm down their immune response and stop the destruction or in the case of cancer, decrease the Th2 response that is causing the Th1 suppression!

The “new model” we are proposing is simply to be more specific.  If an autoimmune disease is a hyper-Th2 attack (Th2 dominant) against an antigen, doesn’t it make sense to do everything possible to find out what the antigen is, attempt to remove it and calm down the Th2 dominance?  I’m no rocket scientist, but this makes sense to me. It’s logical and possible to find the specific biochemical pattern perpetrating the response so we can determine how we treat them.

If you can understand this topic and the role of the immune system, you can understand how antigens (non-living toxins or nasty, hard to kill virus, mold, candida…) can be at the heart of cancer.

A MAJOR part of my practice is IDENTIFYING and ELIMINATING antigens!  In doing so, the body can return to homeostasis (balance) and miraculously heal itself!

How Cancer Spreads

When cancer spreads to other areas in the body it is called metastasis and can be the deadliest.  But remember, the original cancer cells are growing in an anaerobic (without oxygen) environment. In order to spread, a cancer cell must first detach from the primary cancer and move through the wall of a blood vessel to get into the bloodstream.

These mobile cancer cells are called circulating tumor cells (CTC’s) and look a little like spiculated burrs not unlike the burrs you may find on you pant legs after a walk through the meadow, only microscopic.

When CTC’s enter the bloodstream, the circulating blood sweeps them along until they stick somewhere, usually in another opportunistic position that enables it to lodge and multiply.

This can be a complicated journey but as long as the host (the patient) has done little to strengthen their immune system’s ability to defend against secondary attacks like this, it is common. Most CTC’s do not survive this journey and there is a simple, yet profound nutritional product that can help assure they do not. Besides everything the patient should be doing to strengthen their immune response, oxygenate their tissue, alkalize their body, and feed their cells good nutrition, every cancer patient MUST be taking one simple nutrient to help prevent metastasis – Modified Citrus Pectin (MCP).

MCP isn’t even an expensive product and does a wonderful job grabbing these little CTC’s in their claws to escort them out of the body.  Like any approach to cancer, MCP is just one addition to the arsenal that every patient should consider, but like always – correct the cause!

This was an excerpt from Dr Conners’ book, Stop Fighting Cancer and Start Treating the Cause.

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